childrens mental health Archives - Parents With Confidence

7 Surefire Signs Your Child Needs a Mental Health Day

June 21, 2021 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach Leave a Comment

Inside: Just like adults, kids need mental health days to keep their stress levels under control and maintain good emotional health, here are 7 signs your child may need one.

“I’m not going to school, today mom!”.

Every once and a while my fourth-grader drops this line on me in the midst of the eating breakfast-taking vitamins-making lunches chaotic morning shuffle.

After many years of being in this situation, I’ve learned that this sentiment usually passes if I don’t immediately respond by demanding that she go, and instead ask, “what’s up?” or acknowledge that it sounds like she might be feeling stressed about something.

More often though, she just needs me to make space for her feelings at that very moment.

(Similar to how I whine out loud to myself “I don’t want to do the laundry today!!” and then slog into the laundry room to throw in the whites.)

In a couple of instances throughout her school career though, these comments started to appear day after day, signaling to me that there may be a bigger and more ongoing stressor she’s dealing with, and more often than not, the 10-minute window of chaos before we leave for school is not going to give her the time she needs to work through it.

Do kids need mental health days?

While the concept of taking a mental health day has slowly begun to find its way into popular culture for adults, for some reason there continues to be a misconception that children don’t need mental health days, and many parents buy into the common misconceptions about mental health days for kids such as taking the day off school for mental health may create patterns of avoidance or that their child will begin to ‘take advantage of the system’.

Admittedly, it took me years to become self-aware in regards to the many unhelpful mindset traps I’d find myself in when my daughter would send out stress signals before school, but the more I learned about the way the brain works under stress (the higher thinking part of the brain shuts down in some capacity when the brain’s emotion center is activated), the more I became convinced that sending her to school overwhelmed or anxious wasn’t going to do anyone any good.

Navigating moments like these with your child might be new territory and it may feel particularly tricky to know whether or not your child really needs a mental health day, or if they’d be just as well off heading out to participate in their daily routine.

You can take your child’s temperature to see if they’re physically ill, but how do you take your child’s emotional temperature?

While each child’s signs and symptoms of stress and anxiety will be as different as their unique fingerprint, there are common behaviors and patterns that are clear indicators that your child may be experiencing emotional stress and that taking the day off for mental health is warranted.

7 signs your child might need a mental health day

1. All the feelings

When your child is stressed, the body’s stress response dictates that the emotional area of their brain calls the shots much more often than usual, meaning all emotions have the potential to be heightened.

Does your child seem more irritable and reactive? Are they getting angry very quickly and perhaps crying more than usual? If you’re noticing an ongoing trend of your child having all. the. feelings moreso than their typical emotional baseline, it could be a sign of stress and anxiety.

2. Resistance

“I’m not going to school mom”. After I’ve heard my 8-year old make this comment several mornings in a row, her behavior is cluing me into the possibility my daughter is having anxiety over something at school.

After all, if something is stressful or overwhelming a natural coping response is to avoid it.

If your child has been increasingly resistant when it’s time for them to go to daycare or soccer practice, it may indicate the need for a mental health day. There’s always a reason for this resistance, and the reason often falls into one of the two categories…

3. Friendship woes

In addition to academics, your child is getting a lot of real-life experience building friendships in most learning environments.

Social dynamics such as conflict resolution, communicating their needs politely to peers, and bullying can be challenging for many kids and cause overwhelm.

Taking a mental health day off from the usual routine allows you to drill down into the particular dynamics/situations stressing them out and make a plan to build their skills and confidence in this area.

(School guidance counselors are amazing resources for building positive social skills and navigating peer conflicts respectfully too.)

::::: Want to teach your child to manage their emotions in healthy ways? Give your child the lifelong superpower of emotional regulation skills with the Calm Kids Set

4. Performance anxiety

“I’m not smart at math anymore mom, I got 5 questions wrong on my test”.

Somewhere along the line, many children pick up the message that mistakes and imperfection equal failure, instead of reality, which is that mistakes and imperfection equal learning.

In both spheres of academics and athletics, the pace and expectations are in many cases faster and higher than they were for generations past, and when the expectations of schools and athletic organizations surpass age-appropriate developmental skills, it’s a surefire recipe for stress and overwhelm.

It might be time to ask the following questions during a mental health day with your child to get a clear picture of what they’re feeling pressured about, to turn down the heat in their academic or athletic pressure cookers:

What is stressing you out the most about school right now?

Do you feel that what’s being asked of you at ______ is fair and realistic?

Is there anything you could let go of for now to simplify and take care of yourself?

How can I support you to do your best while also taking good care of yourself?

Big Life Journal has amazing resources to help teach kids about growth mindset, positive thinking, and avoiding perfectionism, as this will likely be an ongoing conversation to help your child foster healthy attitudes and self-compassion in regards to achievement.

5. Changes on the homefront

Moving, separations, job changes. Learning to deal with difficult changes and losses that happen in our families is part of growing up.

However certain ‘environmental stressors’ may cause excessive stress for some kids, and they may require additional support to work through their thoughts and emotions.

For example, children can experience grief and loss in many different situations, but the way it’s experienced and processed will be different for each child.

Taking a mental health day with your child will allow you to set the stage for open discussion around any challenging topics or upcoming transitions and related emotions and coping strategies.

6. Frequent stomachaches or physical complaints

Frequent stomach aches, headaches, and even cramps can be related to your child’s stress response being in a state of overdrive.

When the limbic system is activated in light of a perceived threat, many bodily systems slow down to conserve energy including the digestive system and blood flow to the extremities.

This may leave your child feeling the physical side effects, including stomach aches, pains in their extremities, and headaches.

If these complaints come and go on a regular basis (with no other signs of physical illness) ask your child if there’s anything they’ve been thinking about a lot lately or anything that’s worrying them.

Books (aka bibliotherapy) are a great way to explore an abstract and sometimes overwhelming topic with your child.

While your child takes the day off school for mental health, use the opportunity to explore an age-appropriate book from this wonderful list of books about anxiety for kids from fellow therapist Natasha Daniels.

7. Bids for connection

If your child seems to be requesting your attention (in both positive or negative ways) more than usual they may be feeling a healthy need for increased connection (aka time and undivided attention) with you, and a mental health day off school may be the best chance for them to get a therapeutic dose of it.

Your child’s connection and relationship to you continue to be their emotional ‘home base’ throughout development.

It is from the consistent and unconditional acceptance and validation of attachment figures, that your child gains the confidence to master new skills out in the world each day.

The busy schedules and increased technology of modern culture make it even more important that connecting with your child is prioritized with intention.

If your child needs a mental health day, in most instances, giving them your undivided attention is the most healing and restorative thing you do.

How do I actually know if my child needs to take a mental health day?

Ultimately, the goal of offering your child a mental health day is not to serve as a ‘cureall’ for your child’s stress, but as an opportunity to get curious about their emotional health and to access if there are any areas they need more support ongoing.

Abysmal Mental health statistics on children and adolescents continue to clearly show us in no uncertain terms that Mental Health Days for Kids are just as necessary as days spent home sick with a fever or cough.

If certain areas of your child’s life are out of balance and it’s taking a toll on their emotional health, your child may tell you with their words or their behaviors.

Just make sure you’re listening.

Want to Raise an Emotionally Healthy Child that will thrive out in the world? I created a free 5-day parenting course just for you! (sign up below)

Kids Need Mental Health Days- 9 Misconceptions That Need to Change

May 27, 2021 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach Leave a Comment

Inside: Learn the most common reasons parents won’t allow their child to take a mental health day and why they need to consider changing their mind.

How about a quick game of ‘Would You Rather?’

If you needed to take a sick day at work and had to choose one of the following reasons to explain your absence, which would you rather use?

I’m giving myself a mental health day or
I’ve been stricken down by a horrible case of diarrhea.

If, after some genuine contemplation, you’re surprised to find yourself leaning towards option B, it turns out you’re not alone.

Recently, I asked the parents in my online community if they currently offered their child mental health days (and why or why not), and my friend responded with this exact story.

She’d called in to ask a colleague to please mention to her supervisor, upon their arrival, that she’d be taking a mental health day.

To which her colleague quickly responded, “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather I tell him you have a bad case of diarrhea or something?”

It was impossible to ignore the message that echoed throughout this response and many others; mental health stigma is still alive and well when it comes to how we’re approaching the health and emotional well-being of the next generation.

I anticipated the responses I’d receive would be varied, but what I didn’t expect was the flood of emails with a very similar theme: No, I haven’t, and if I’m being honest, I would hesitate a bit to allow my child to stay at home for a mental health day.

Even more interesting, all of these parents agreed that, in theory, mental health days make complete sense, and mental health should be regarded with the same importance as physical health.

But when it came to applying the concept of a mental health day to their own child, there was a mental impasse. The question is, “Why?”

The parents in the Parents with Confidence online community (with the very mission of raising emotionally healthy children) generously offered their reasoning as to what gives them pause when it comes to mental health days, and it was clear that the hesitancies fell under 2 main categories, both of which are unsurprisingly underscored by the stale and stigmatizing views that continue to haunt the life-saving concept of mental health:

Navigating real-world logistical hurdles such as limited ‘sick days’ from work and strict attendance policies in schools that stem from a lack of cultural support/awareness of mental health care.
Fear and irrational thinking patterns about the unknown, related to the ‘uncharted waters’ of doing something out of the cultural norm.

Let’s take a deeper look at what might be holding you back from validating mental health days for your child, along with the reasons why thinking about the bigger picture of your child’s health and well-being in that way are flawed.

Reasons why parents avoid mental health days for their children

1.”What if my child starts thinking they can take days off whenever they want to?”

The idea of a child possibly ‘taking advantage’ was the most prevalent. Parents thought that if their child was allowed to take a day off for mental health, they’d run the risk of their child inappropriately requesting more days off in the future.

The flaw: It defaults to the unhelpful and untrue mindset that children are dishonest, sneaky, manipulative and don’t have the ability to genuinely reflect on their state of mind.

The best starting place to default in any endeavor with your child is always assuming the best of them.

::::: Want to teach your child to manage their emotions in healthy ways? Give your child the lifelong superpower of emotional regulation skills with the Calm Kids Set

2. “What will other people like teachers and coaches say?”

The people-pleasing tendency that so many of us picked up from our own childhoods is real.

I’m going to get vulnerable here and tell you that I, as a mental health professional of 15 years, have hesitated to offer my children mental health days because good lord I’d have to actually tell the people at school something they’re not used to hearing, and what if they judge me??

Even though I believe, in my SOUL, that good mental health is infinitely more important than academics.

Even though I pride myself on putting my child’s emotional well-being above most all else.

Even though I know that if my child’s amygdala (the emotional center of the brain) is in overdrive, they won’t be able to access much of the higher thinking part of the brain they need for school anyhow.

The flaw: Others’ opinions of you are being prioritized over your child’s health and well-being.

Changing old habits and patterns of thinking is HARD, but the ability to do just that is what makes us uniquely human.

3. “What if taking a mental health day off teaches my child to avoid their problems and challenges?”

Many parents responded to the idea of giving their child a mental health day with the fear that it could lead to a habit of avoidance.

The flaw: Ideally, the child takes time away from regular responsibilities to think about and reflect on their current thoughts and emotions, thereby providing the opportunity to confront the challenges weighing them down, and move forward in a better place.

A day off simply pulls them out of survival mode and gives them permission and space to slow down and turn inward.

4. “What would we even do to make a mental health day ‘worth it’?”

The idea that taking the day away from regular responsibility wouldn’t be ‘enough’ was another parent concern. “I wouldn’t know what to do.”

The flaw: This fear-based thinking likely stems from the inexperience we have as a culture with offering time and prioritization of mental health as well as our constant glorification of productivity.

In many cases doing nothing at all and stepping away from the stressors of daily life is actually all that’s needed to get back to a baseline of emotional regulation.

5. “What if taking the day off for mental health doesn’t make them feel better?”

The human mind is not a big fan of uncertainty. We’d like to know the answer and the outcome, and we’d like to know that now, thank you very much.

When things feel out of our control, we shy away from them. You can control taking your child to school, but controlling their mental health and state of mind?? …not so much.

The flaw: There is no proof that a mental health day will provide any given outcome you’d like to see.

Instead of trying to control the outcome and speculate on the future, let’s meet our children where they’re at right at this moment, and do the right thing for them in the here and now.

6. “My child would get even more overwhelmed having to make up for the work they missed.”

After recently pulling my older children out of school for a week to take a family trip, this one hits home. Missed schoolwork can equal added stress.

The flaw: A day’s worth of make-up work is not going to make or break your child’s stress level, whereas not taking a day off when it is fully needed may in fact do just that.

7. “My spouse doesn’t support anything related to mental health and would think it was ridiculous.”

Sadly, I believe this response is probably more common than many of us would like to admit.

The flaw: When we fear the unknown and don’t take the time to gain an understanding of issues that don’t directly affect us, it has a negative ripple effect.

It can make it harder for our culture to progress in the consideration and treatment of mental health conditions as well as the regard we have for our mental health in general.

When we know better, we can do better. This is the perfect situation to open a respectful dialogue on the topic of mental health with a partner and take the opportunity to explore its meaning and importance together.

8. “I don’t have enough sick days at my place of employment to take extra days off.”

There are many stresses that modern parents have to contend with today, and the cultural constraint of rigid paid/unpaid time off policies in the workplace is a very real one.

Sick leave for employees varies based on the country and, on top of that, geographical areas within each country. But overall, sick leave, vacation time, and parental leave benefits are considerably lacking in the US in comparison to other developed countries.

The major flaw: When companies and institutions continue to prioritize productivity and financial gain over the quality of life and well-being initiatives for their employees, they’ll continue to discourage the prioritization of emotional well-being and mental health in our society.

While some progressive companies are indeed beginning to pave a path toward prioritizing mental and emotional well-being through company incentives and more flexible time-off policies, a clear takeaway is that at a minimum, we need to start having discussions on the prioritization of mental health in both public and private sectors of business.

(Clearly, this is a complex and loaded question with many systems and layers involved, and this discussion merely offers a very general jumping-off point.)

9. “What if my child doesn’t talk, and we don’t get anything figured out?”

Just to be safe, expect that your child won’t be able to ‘figure it all out during the course of one mental health day off from school.

While it may be helpful or come naturally for some children to work through their stresses verbally, others will prefer different outlets for their emotions and stress such as art, nature, journaling, exercise, etc.

The major flaw: Here’s that ugly control monster rearing its head again.

You can control the tone of the physical environment your child is in by creating a supportive and responsive atmosphere through questions and dialogue, you cannot control what your child tells you and if or when they tell you anything at all.

For example, “You seem stressed, what’s up?”, “I’m here to talk whenever you need” and “A lot of times, talking helps to feel better and figure out the next steps to move forward” are all great ways to control the dialogue on your end. Then be quiet, wait, and if they decided to share listen, listen, listen.

All is not lost if your child doesn’t open up at that very moment. The gift of consistently giving your child the space to do so when they’re ready is everything.

It’s time to normalize mental health days for kids (and everyone while we’re at it).

We can all agree that some of these parent viewpoints are understandable and even unavoidable.

More so than ever in the past year, mental health is a topic finally getting its due recognition.

Sadly, this has come in the form of the continued decline (if you thought it was ‘good’ before the pandemic, you’d be incorrect) of good mental health in our youth.

The grim statistics on anxiety, depression and suicide in our youth continue to beckon us to open our minds to new approaches towards our children’s mental and emotional health.

Here are just some of the many questions it would behoove us to start asking in our families and communities…

Why did it take a global pandemic and economic crisis to open the door to vital discussions around mental health?

Can a society without bigger systems onboard to accommodate good mental healthcare truly expect to see concerning statistics of mental health conditions decline?

What factors play into a society undervaluing mental and emotional health and where might small shifts in these mindsets be made in our own family?

What are the factors that have historically given mental health a ‘backseat’ to physical health? (Lack of research? Lack of clear physically visible symtoms?)

Let’s be honest, parents reading this post are likely more progressive than the general public in regards to the topic of mental health.

How and where can those of us that are already invested, start having meaningful discussions about the value of our children’s mental health?

Long-lasting positive change doesn’t happen overnight, but with small intentional actions.

My hope is that, together, we can start sending out small, yet powerful, ripples of action into the systems intertwined in everyday life, so that not only our children, but the children of future generations will have a better quality of life.

*Because of the broad scope and nature of the topic of mental health days for children, this post is the first in a series of four

Want to Raise an Emotionally Healthy Child that will thrive out in the world? I created a free 5-day parenting course just for you! (sign up below)

Why we ALL need to Care About Mental and Emotional Health in Childhood

March 4, 2016 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach Leave a Comment

Inside: Learn why our child’s mental and emotional health desperately deserve more support and the best way to be an advocate.

Most parents would agree that the health of their child is of utmost importance. We are regularly surrounded with resources and support on children’s health, whether it be online, or at the pediatrician’s office. But I’m curious, when you read that first sentence and envisioned children’s ‘health’, did mental or emotional health enter into the equation?

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