Parenting

The Single Most Helpful Trick for Dealing with a Child’s Emotional Outburst

June 26, 2020 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

Inside: Learn the first and most important step for responding to a child’s emotional outburst and a step by step guide to implement.

Between my friends, clients in my therapy practice, and the Parents with Confidence Facebook community, I’ve seen a strong reoccurring theme these last few weeks with kids.

There’s a good chance you’ve seen it with your child too.

“I feel sad and angry sometimes and I don’t really know why.”

“He keeps freaking out on me ALL THE TIME and I don’t know what to do.”

“Little things that never bothered her before are causing her to completely fall apart.”

While there doesn’t seem to be much everyone can agree on right now, one thing we surely can is that we’re all living in a stressful time.

Have YOU been feeling unsettled, unfocused, and overwhelmed lately (I can’t be the only one)?

Now just imagine how your little people feel, as they are waaaay more dependent on consistency, predictability and stability to provide them with a vital sense of safety and security.

When your child’s brain’s sense of safety is threatened, it activates their brain’s emotional center, or amygdala, cueing more emotional outbursts.

Everyone’s emotional house is crumbling a bit right now, which really isn’t all that surprising is it?

So what’s the first and more important thing a parent can do when dealing with their child’s emotional outbursts?

Stop acting like they shouldn’t be having an outburst.

Step one for Helping Your Child During an Emotional Outburst

Here’s the thing. Your child will have a very difficult time successfully working through (aka getting done with) their emotional outbursts if you’re not creating an environment that allows and welcomes emotions (and especially big ones).

I know it’s uncomfortable when your child cries and I also know that your brain goes into panic/stress/anger overload when your son whacks your daughter with a piece of his Hot Wheels Track.

This happens because you are a good parent and you are HUMAN.

You want to protect your child from pain and discomfort and care about them so much that you become emotionally overwhelmed right alongside them!

While this may be our instinctive (and learned in many cases from a childhood where our emotions were dismissed) reaction, it’s not a helpful or healthy one when it comes to raising an emotionally intelligent child.

Because emotions are actual physical-chemical responses in your child’s brain, Resisting, and trying to force them away does not work.

When it comes to calming an emotional child, the only way out of an emotional outburst is through.

We are certainly good at acting as if we have the power to stop the emotional fireworks from being set off though aren’t we?

“You’ll be ok, you’re not going to die from it!”

“It’s not that big of a deal, you’ll be fine“

“Knock it off, that’s enough!”

Take just a quick second to think about how you’d feel if your partner/friend etc responded to your tears or anger with those phrases.

Pretty eye-opening isn’t it? Not to mention epically disrespectful AND unhelpful.

Related resource:: The Magical Phrase to Use with Fighting Kids {Printable}

Your child’s dismissed and invalidated emotions aren’t going anywhere good (ignoring them enough will send them to the subconscious mind where they can fester into anxiety and depression) so it’s time for you to ‘suck it up’ (see what I did there?) and learn how to get a little more zen when your child’s emotions start to fly.

Practical Steps to Resist shutting down your child’s emotions during an emotional outburst

1. Reflect on how you show up when your child’s emotions become escalated. Do you become emotionally heightened right alongside your child and begin to yell? Or do you tend to shut down and move away from them?

This is likely your default mode for responding to stress, or how you react when your limbic system starts to activate ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode.

Knowing your own tendencies and reactions when you become overwhelmed, will allow you to explore whether or not that pattern is going to be helpful for your child. When it comes to fostering your child’s emotional regulation skills, coming alongside them as a calm steady guide is always the most helpful approach.

2. Reflect on where your patterns or reactions come from. When you were young did your caregivers quickly shut down your emotions communicating they were intolerable? Many of us heard the common phrases “Stop crying!” “Just deal with it” “Tough it out” and learned that emotional expression needs to be extinguished.

Perhaps by nature, you’d consider yourself a very emotional person. As a highly sensitive person (or HSP), I’ve learned that I’m affected more deeply and intensely by the big emotions of my children.

Exploring both nature and nurture will help you better understand yourself and become more intentional about the way you react to your child in stressful circumstances.

3. Count to 10 and repeat a helpful mantra in times of stress. When your brain is stressed, it likes to default to old (and oftentimes unhelpful) habits. You need to steer it in the right direction and the best way to do this is with your thoughts.

Give yourself a phrase or mantra to repeat often such as ‘Pause, and let it be’, ‘I can handle this’, ‘breathe and allow their emotions to come’ etc.

Remind yourself that the only healthy way ‘out’ of emotion is going through it. Emotions are meant to be noticed, felt, and listened to as they communicate so many helpful things to us!

These 10 seconds will allow your brain’s stress reaction to calm down and will model for your child that emotional expression is healthy and acceptable and that their emotions are not too big or scary for you to handle.

When you master these 3 Steps You Can Then Move on to This…

Only when you successfully make space for their emotional expression first can you move into the ‘hands-on’ part we all like to jump to, talking to your child and helping them to cope.

A simple phrase that validates their emotion will go far to help them feel seen and heard, “I see you’re very upset and I’m here” is a great validating phrase for many situations. In situations where your child is expressing their emotions in ways that are physically or emotionally unsafe a limit is still needed.

It’s possible to provide both reassurances of their emotions and set a limit on their behavior at the same time. “It’s ok to be mad but it’s not ok to hit your brother. I’m here to help”.

Related resource:: The ‘Calm Kids Set’ will teach you everything you need to know to foster emotional regulation skills in your child and it’s 40% off for a limited time. Grab it here.

The best way to help with your child’s emotional outbursts is also the best way to raise an emotionally intelligent child

The question of how to raise an emotionally intelligent child is a life-changing one, and it starts with the ’emotional atmosphere’ they internalize in their everyday environment.

While stress is at an unprecedently level right now for both adults and children alike, instead of viewing this in only negative light, we can see it as an opportunity to grow and expand ourselves as parents, and to foster invaluable social and emotional skills for our children.

Healthy emotional development in children starts with the foundational concept that our emotions are meant to be acknowledged and accepted.

Oftentimes in parenting, ‘listening to your instincts’ is a helpful concept. For many of us, responding to our child’s emotional outbursts is a exception to this rule.

The good news? Raising an emotionally healthy child that will live their best life, can start with the small simple step of practicing going against your ‘instinctual grain’, during your child’s emotional outburst today.

Want more guidance on how to raise an emotionally healthy child who will live their best life? I’ve created a free 5-day email parenting course just for you.

Sign up below to gain life-changing insights and strategies on discipline without damage, helping your child manage their emotions and the best way to get your child to listen.

10 Easy Ways to Bond with Your Child (Even When There’s no Time in the Day)

June 3, 2020 by Angela Pruess 1 Comment

Our connection to our children means everything to their growth and development. Here are 10 easy ways to bond with your child and strengthen their relationship with their child.

It’s the difference between a confident child and an insecure one, a cooperative child and a defiant one, one that agrees to set the table and one that scoffs (ok, most of them scoff either way but what’s important is that they still set the table). [Read more…]

Here’s the Magic Phrase to Use with Fighting Kids

May 8, 2020 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

Inside: Learn the best and most effective parenting phrase to use when intervening with kids fighting or any type of day to day family conflict.

Emotions are running high right now for your family. I know this because they’re running high in mine too.

“Stop it!”

“Mom, she said she hated me!”

“Well, I never want to play with you again anyway!”

…and that all happened on the other side of the bathroom door in a 30-second time span of the kids fighting.

With everyone at home together all. the. time. stress levels are at an all-time high, making it truly difficult for all parties involved (small or large) to keep their cool and practice good communication and emotional regulation skills.

We know from studying the brain that when emotions get bigger, reason and logic get smaller. This happens because when the brain’s emotion-center (amygdala) is activated the thinking center’ (pre-frontal cortex) quite literally goes ‘off-line’ and is harder to access. (Think of when you’re really nervous and your mind blanks.)

Your kids are not exempt from the stressors piling up around us right now. Unpredictability abounds and all of the routines and structures that keep kids emotionally tethered have been taken away.

For many families, this means sibling fighting is at an all-time high.

I want to share the magic phrase that has been a lifesaver for me during this time at home with my kids and family.

The anti-dote to kids fighting

When it comes to children fighting (or any two parties communicating positively) there’s a primary skill I learned in my family therapy training that works like magic.

This approach works so well because as opposed to most attempts at conflict resolution, it avoids blaming and criticism which puts the other person on the defensive.

It also effectively communicates what the individual needs, which is a vital part of resolving conflict that often gets left out.

Finally, it’s an amazing way to help your child build self-awareness, emotional intelligence, problem-solving skills, and communication skills that will help their future relationships thrive.

So what is this amazingly powerful strategy to use when kids are fighting?

The basic concept is what’s known as an “I statement”, or making sure to start your phrase with an ‘I’ instead of “You”….but it doesn’t stop there.

There’s a specific ‘I statement’ phrase that can be used in just about any situation where tensions are rising with siblings fighting or in any family conflict.

Why ‘I statements’ are so effective for helping siblings in conflict

Sibling conflict often feels overwhelming to address as a parent, which leads to parents either avoiding their kids fighting all-together or quickly jumping in to manage and negotiate the conflict for them.

Both approaches fall short when it comes to teaching a child the valuable conflict resolution and communication skills they need to get along with others.

The power of an ‘I statement’ is pretty remarkable. Not only does it streamline communication in a way that side-steps arguments, put-downs, and negativity it’s also very easy to remember.

If you make this magic statement a habit, your brain will file it away as the magical tool it is, and you’ll have it in your back pocket ready to dissolve any sibling conflicts that pop up.

The magic phrase for when your kids are fighting or bickering.

This phrase is golden because not only does it start with “I feel’ which keeps the focus on the child speaking and not on attacking the sibling, but it also proceeds to deliver information about the WHY behind their emotions and the NEED or BOUNDARY that lies beneath.

Your new favorite sentence:

I feel ________ when ________ and I need you to please _________.

Pretty amazing right?!?

Here are some examples.

“I feel overwhelmed when you talk to me while I’m doing my homework and I need you to give me 10 minutes.”

“I feel angry when you call me stupid and I need you to not call me names.”

“I feel left out when you play with Sam more than me and I need some playtime with you too.”

It’s all but impossible to be reactive or negative with someone when they are genuinely communicating about their own experience, thoughts, and emotions.

This miracle phrase for kids fighting (or anyone in distress!) dissolves defensiveness and reactivity while also equipping the other child with the specific information they need to move forward positively (talk about killing two birds with one stone!).

:::: Related Resource >> Grab my Positive Discipline Set for 40% off (all the tools you need to start your journey of discipline without emotional damage)

So often we tell kids what not to do while forgetting that they need teaching and guidance on what they should do.

Not to mention each child is learning invaluable lessons in the process:

I can stay calm in the face of conflict
My words are powerful for getting along with others
My needs are important and I can express them
I can try to understand how I’m feeling
My feelings matter and affect my actions
I can show others respect by talking instead of yelling or being mean when upset

Don’t underestimate the power of repetition and practice when it comes to teaching kids conflict resolution

Simply prompting your child with this phrase whenever you hear tensions rising, will work miracles to help resolve family and sibling conflict.

With time and repetition, you’ll soon be able to whip this phrase out on auto-pilot… and what’s even better is that will time and repetition your kids will start to use the phrase unprompted on their own!

Now go enjoy a calmer home!

Here’s a printable just for you that will make it easy for you to remember this magic phrase for fighting kids!

Grab your free printable ‘Magic Phrase’ sheet.

Here’s a peek at it…

Download the ‘Magic Phrase’ worksheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join 15,000+ parents who receive my weekly insights, tips, and strategies on how to raise emotionally healthy kids who will live their BEST life, every week!
Print.
Place it on your refrigerator or in a centralized area (Reuse with dry-erase markers by placing in a plastic sheet protector pouch, or laminating:)

Click HERE to get your ‘Magic Phrase’ printable and join!

The Most Important Act Of Self Care You Can Do Right Now

April 15, 2020 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

I wake up most days feeling full of energy and ready to take on the challenges ahead.

I get the kids fed and ready to start their day…and have my first of 597 cups of coffee (all of them equally amazing). Things are OK.

As the afternoon wears on, by about 3 pm I can start to feel the energy drain from my body. I get slow and lethargic and my limbs feel heavy.

So much for exercising or cleaning the kitchen floor…

I hate this feeling. I hate feeling tired, unproductive and irritable. There are still things that need to be done, darn it.

The day wasn’t supposed to go this way…

Maybe it’s the opposite for you. Mornings might find you feeling like a wet blanket…and then by lunch, you somehow work up the motivation and positive energy to play with your kids or do the laundry.

Here’s the biggest lesson I’ve been learning in all of this stay-at-home craziness:

Wherever I’m at emotionally is OK.

While this may seem simplistic at first glance, accepting moods and emotions just as they are, has proven very challenging for us human beings.

Especially when you’ve been taught throughout your life that to feel SAD, MAD and SLOW isn’t OK.

We internalize all of those ‘don’t cry’s and ‘you’ll be ok’s’ and ‘be tough’s’…and now we’re fully grown adults who get mad at ourselves for having very normal and healthy emotions.

Why does this matter?

During my clinician training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (basically just a popular curriculum for teaching mindfulness developed by Jon Kabat Zinn), I learned that this phenomenon is a concept known as ‘secondary pain’ and it matters A LOT because when you RESIST and FIGHT your emotions, you end up making things 10 times worse.

60 Bedtime Activities that make Bedtime Easy + Fun! {Printable}

Not only are you experiencing the discomfort of your primary emotions… you then invite in a bunch of guests known as ‘secondary emotions’ to the party.

What does fighting or resisting your emotions look like? Well, it can look like all of these things and many more: beating up on yourself internally, excessive anger, numbing with screens, food, shopping, alcohol, exercise, or distracting yourself with work.

Essentially, instead of being present with and allowing yourself to feel emotions of overwhelm, sadness or anger you dig an ’emotional hole’ that ends up being much much deeper.

Here’s a quote that I’ve been holding close right now:

“The best way out is always through”

It’s a quote from the poet Robert Frost, but it’s been adapted in many contexts to symbolize the importance of allowing ourselves to feel our emotions… in order for that emotion to pass in a healthy and natural way.

After all… that’s what our emotions are designed to do. To come and to go, while serving the purpose of communicating something to us.

Emotions as a chemical reaction only exist for a mere 90 seconds.

So, while I hate my mid-afternoon energy slump and not getting any cleaning or exercise in, I’ve been getting a whole lot of practice learning how to soften and accept, after my initial knee-jerk response of irritation and frustration.

This usually sounds something like this,

“It’s ok that I feel yucky right now. It’s understandable. There’s a lot going on and I did the best I could today. My body and emotions are trying to tell me to slow down and I don’t need to fight this”.

I’m doing my best to roll with the waves of my emotions, preventing them from becoming a tsunami.

After all, life is offering up plenty of ’emotional tsunami’s’ right now as it is.

Wherever your moods take you throughout the day is OK. If you need to take the afternoon off- for Pete’s sake lie down on the couch for a few hours.

If you need to break down and cry, let those tears flow mama.

If you don’t have the energy to make dinner tonight let the kids eat cereal… for all 3 meals.

If you’re a crabby lunatic for the first hour of ‘schooling at home’, forgive yourself, let it go, and move forward.

If you need to scroll for a bit on social media, don’t stress about it, just be aware of your actions and explore other outlets too.

Listen to what your body and emotions are telling you and find the peace and empowerment that exists in LETTING emotions BE and letting things GO.

This, is the most important self-care you’ll ever do.

Parenting in a Pandemic- How to Protect Your Child From Stress + Anxiety

March 25, 2020 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

Inside: Learn 11 Ways to Protect your Child’s Mental Health during the Pandemic/quarantine and why your child’s emotional health matters just as much as academics.

Everywhere you look right now, there’s a new educational app or resource focusing on how to teach kids academics at home.

As a mom now working out of my kitchen, trying to keep three children happy and somewhat cognitively stimulated, I’m grateful for each of these, as the role of teaching my own children academics was one I was not prepared for.

Aside from academics, there’s something else getting much less attention, but we should feel just as concerned about it.

My ability to maintain a sense of emotional safety and security for my kids at home while their routines and lives are in many cases being turned completed upside down.

After all, I don’t remember another time (in my lifetime at least) where the collective stressors of the world were stacked higher than they are now, and there’s no doubt this energy of fear and uncertainty travels through the cracks of our home.

I want to protect their emotional well-being now when we’re hunkered down at home, as well as when the Pandemic passes and it’s time for them to return to life as they know it.

I know that if my 10-year-old is having anxious thoughts, she won’t have the motivation or focus to get through 90 minutes of schoolwork…and that if my sensitive 5-year-old absorbs the words and energy around him he’ll start reporting “I’m hungry” about every 20 minutes, or “my stomach hurts” (both telltale signs of anxiety).

The preventative approach with your child’s mental health is always better

Without typical rhythms and structures of daily routines tethering them to a sense of predictability and safety, your child will greatly benefit from other measures to help keep their stress level low and to prevent any anxiety from developing.

Here are 11 ways to support your child’s emotional health right now

Take care of your own emotions

While quarantined at home, Your tone, energy, and overall emotional presence will serve as your child’s emotional guidepost.

How can you provide calm and confident reassurance to your child? Be honest with the many emotions you’re feeling right now and take the necessary steps to work through them and take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

Look deeper

My 8-year-old has broken down in tears more times then I can count in recent days…when she gets stuck trying to sign in to an electronic device or is unable to find her toothbrush. Just as you will, your child is going to have heightened emotions in the days and weeks to come.

While I know you’d love your child to approach you and calmly communicate everything that’s going through their little mind, their emotions will more often than not, come out in the form of arguments, anger, or tears.

It will be tempting to respond to the behavior you see on the surface, “There’s no need to cry about this!”.

You’ll have much better luck if you assume your child’s seemingly over-sized reaction has more to do with pent up emotions coming up for air than it does the topic at hand. Unconditional comfort and support over judgment and criticism is the answer.

Invite emotions in

A great way to keep emotions from building up on the surface is to do regular ‘check-ins’ with your child. Taking a moment to ask them how they’re doing with all the changes happening right now, will go far to create a safe place for bringing up worries or concerns (look for the free printable for this at the end of the post).

Provide visuals to help them identify how they’re feeling( This feelings chart and flashcards work perfectly for kids ages 3-9).

Normalizing the very healthy and typical swirling of emotion within your child will help to decrease their stress, and help them learn how to accept and work through their emotions.

Keep them moving

As stress hormones build up in their little body, your child needs consistent avenues to ‘blow off steam’.

Physical activity gives your child calming and regulating sensory input which helps to disengage the emotional area of their brain (where stress and anxiety live) and strengthens the part of the brain responsible for focus, self-control and decision making (the pre-frontal cortex).

Monitor their media

Evidence shows that exposure to news programming and other scary screentime can cause children to experience fear and anxiety. When children are exposed to violent or aggressive content, their brains often process it in the same way as if it were actually happening to them.

If children are exposed to mature content in the news that their maturing brain can’t yet process, it will leave them feeling overwhelmed and anxious.

Related>> 10 Anxiety Symptoms in Children Most Parents Miss

Get them outdoors

We’re stuck at home but that doesn’t mean we’re stuck inside. The benefits of nature for kids are incredible and spending time outside is one of the most powerful coping strategies you’ll need to ensure your child has access to in upcoming weeks.

Time spent in nature has been shown in studies to boost our mood and ability for self-regulation, or our ability to manage incoming stress. Enough said.

Always do this more than you talk

Listening to your child’s thoughts and concerns both large and small is an enormous way to communicate to them that they’re seen and valued as individuals.

Just as you perceive a great loss of control during this time of quarantine, your child does too. Giving them more opportunities for control and leadership will go a long way to help meet their need for autonomy.

Only share age-appropriate facts and information

It’s easy to forget that your child’s brain is underdeveloped and has very different processing abilities than yours. Aim for balancing important facts and giving them the why behind some of the changes they’re experiencing with leaving out any information that may overwhelm your child or cause them anxiety.

A great way to start a discussion about overwhelming and scary things is to ask open-ended questions such as,

“Do you have any questions about why we’re staying home?” or “What have you heard about_______ already?”

Here’s a great guide on what to say to your child about Coronavirus based on their age.

Provide a sense of safety at home

Hands down the most powerful thing you can do to provide your child with an underlying sense of safety and calm is to connect with them each day.

True connection means really seeing your child, taking the time to meet them on their level and enter in their world. This might look like letting your child pick a board game to play, sitting down on the floor with them and just listening, or cuddling in bed at night with absolutely no agenda.

Leave plenty of time to play

Not only does your child release stress through play, but play is also the magical conduit to growth and development in many areas relating to your child’s social and emotional health including communication skills (listening skills), emotional intelligence (how to manage emotions in healthy ways), confidence (how to self-direct and persevere) and self-control (inhibiting impulses for the greater good).

Time for free play is just as important to your child as the time to do a math worksheet or read.

Help them see the bigger picture

Even though your family may be cut off from the outside world in many ways, you can find ways to promote socialization and a sense of interconnectedness right in your living room.

Taking the time to call a great grandparent or make a card for a neighbor models kindness to those in need. Not only do acts of kindness correlate to increased feelings of happiness and contentment, but they also produce emotional ‘powerhouse’ qualities such as empathy and compassion with counter feelings of depression and anxiety.

Please don’t forget about your child’s mental health during the Coronavirus pandemic.

During this time of uncertainly your child’s emotional well-being hangs in the balance. The emotional tone you set at home and the small daily steps you take to help provide them safety and comfort will serve as enormous protective factors (conditions that mitigate risk and increase health and well-being) for your child both now during the quarantine and when the steady rhythms and routines of daily life resume once again.

P.S. Want an awesome visual tool to help you keep close tabs on your child’s mental and emotional health?

Grab your free printable daily check-in sheet!

This post comes with a free printable daily check-in worksheet! An easy way to give your child the chance to communicate how they’re feeling and thinking to keep their emotional health as a priority.

Here’s a peek at it…

Download the daily check-in worksheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join 12,000+ parents who receive my weekly insights, tips, and strategies on how to raise emotionally healthy kids who will change the world, every week!
Print.
Place it on your refrigerator or in a centralized area (Reuse with dry-erase markers by placing in a plastic sheet protector pouch, or laminating:)

Click HERE to get your printable list and join!

A Child Therapist’s Best Tips for Parenting a Child with ADHD

February 10, 2020 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

These vital tips for parenting a child with ADHD may surprise you, but will lead your child to better behaviors now AND a more successful future later.

My 9-year-old client sits down on the couch in my therapy office and I can tell already by his slumped shoulders and downward gaze that he is having a rough week.

“How’s your week been bud? Should we start with the highs or the lows?”

“I hate school and I never want to go back again”. [Read more…]

What to do When Your Angry Child Refuses Coping Strategies

February 5, 2020 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

Inside: Learn how to proceed when your angry child refuses coping strategies.

“What do I do when my child refuses the coping strategies I offer?”

[Read more…]

75 Awesome Calm Down Strategies for Kids (that they’ll want to try!)

January 3, 2020 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

Inside: These science-backed calm down strategies for kids are easy, engaging and will help your child develop strong emotional regulation skills.

When it comes to children’s emotional development you’re going to be hard-pressed to find another skill as important (and as predictive of future success) as emotional regulation.

[Read more…]

The Cheapest Gifts for Kids (that also Happen to be Priceless)

December 5, 2019 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

When I think of things that always seem to put life into proper perspective I think of the holidays…and children.

[Read more…]

The Secret of Teaching a Child to Live Gratefully

November 11, 2019 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

Inside: Learn the surprising way to teach gratitude to children that raises kids who live gratefully all year long.

One of my favorite Thanksgiving traditions since having children is going around the table before the big meal, each sharing three things we’re grateful for. It’s eye-opening and heartwarming as a parent to hear the kids vocalize the things that mean the most to them in the world.

[Read more…]