Unconditional Love: 10 Surprising Ways Your Child Needs You to Show It

September 29, 2021 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach Leave a Comment

Inside: Learn 10 Ways Parents can practice unconditional love with their child and why it’s so important to their child’s emotional development.

⭐️Free 9-page Expert Master guide⭐️>> 5 Secrets to MORE cooperation and LESS conflict with your strong-willed child (Click here to grab it)

“I don’t think he’ll wake up from the flash…” I think to myself as I stand over my sleeping 6-year-old and sneakily position my phone to snap an angelic picture of his perfect little nose and feathered eyelashes.

It’s hard to describe how this moment feels as a parent isn’t it?

For me, it’s sort of as if everything else in the world has melted away and the only thing strong enough to remain is the radiating reverberating unconditional love I feel for my child. The…

I can’t believe you’re mine love.

I’d throw myself in front of a bus for you at any moment necessary, love.

Tomorrow I’m going to make sure you know just how far and just how unconditionally my love for you stretches, love.

Then the sun starts rising and alarm clocks start sounding (I’m convinced hell must be chock-full of alarm clocks), and all of the minutiae that had melted away the prior evening is now relentlessly assaulting me from every angle.

Life ‘turns on’ and very quickly my affection towards my children starts sounding less like radiating unconditional love with no strings attached, and more like very impatient conditional love with “do the things now child if you’d like to live another day” type of strings attached.

Conditional Love Meaning

Conditional love is simply, love with conditions. This means that your love for your child is contingent on their actions, or things happening with them (or not happening).

Conditional love might make a sneaky appearance in comments like these:

“We do so much for you every day and this is how you repay us?”

“Your brother manages to make it out to the car on time every morning, why is it so difficult for you?”

“Why do you insist on doing everything you can to make homework more stressful?”

“You’re going to wear THAT?!”

Read >> 50 Fun and Calming Bedtime Activities for Kids

Parenting is arguably the hardest job on the planet, and if we’re honest, most adults in general often have lots of subconscious ‘invisible strings’ attached when it comes to showing love and affection to children.

These strings likely stem from the natural power imbalance that exists in the parent-child relationship in combination with the antiquated and harmful views of past generations that sought to dehumanize children.

Thankfully, we now live in a world with a growing awareness of the respectful care and conditions needed to raise healthy thriving humans.

It is because of this power differential inherent in the parent-child relationship that it is essential to be aware of sending the message that our child ‘owes us’ us for the duties that in fact, we accepted and agreed to when we made the decision to bring another human being into the world.

Unconditional love meaning

“Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, or love without conditions. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as agape love or complete love.

Each area of expertise has a certain way of describing unconditional love, but most will agree that it’s a “type of love which has no bounds and is unchanging.”

It means offering love to your child without any expectation of repayment.

When we put that definition into the nitty-gritty context of everyday life with kids, I think unconditional love looks a lot like Loving your child even when it’s really really stinking hard.

For children, love and attachment are primary needs that create the foundation for almost all social and emotional development.

I love you unconditionally

I know without a doubt that the love I have for my children (sleeping angelically or not) is unconditional love. I’m also fully aware that when stressed, I might act in ways that indicate otherwise.

On a day-to-day basis, was I communicating my unconditional love effectively enough to my children?

On any given day, were they able to ‘file away’ more examples of unconditional love or in fact, conditional love?

After all, love is communicated primarily by actions and not by words or loving bedtime photo shoots…

I started thinking, what actions can parents take each day to communicate how they truly feel about their child beneath it all? I love you unconditionally forever and ever.

10 Ways to Demonstrate Unconditional Love for a Child

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Children are concrete thinkers, meaning ‘a more literal form of thinking that focuses on the physical world”. This means that demonstrations of love that they can see, touch, and feel will most strongly communicate to them.

Read >> 10 Strong-Willed Child Characteristics (and how to deal with them effectively)

When your child sees you taking time each day to get down on the floor and play that brutally boring board game or read Goodnight Goodnight Construction Site for the ninth time this week, they have a ‘real-life’ tangible example of what your unconditional love looks and feels like.

Accepting ALL emotions

One of the most powerful ways your behavior will communicate ‘I will love you unconditionally’, is to show your child they won’t be shut down or minimized when they’re experiencing powerful emotions.

It’s time to permanently put to sleep those catchy toxic go-to phrases, “don’t cry” “oh you’re fine”, “suck it up and deal with it” or, “you’re seriously going to cry about THAT”.

If you want to kick these unhelpful responses to the curb, I’d recommend closing your eyes and imaging your partner/significant other saying these things to you while you’re in a highly emotional state.

The horrible instant visceral feeling you get will serve as an ongoing reminder to respond to your child’s emotions the way you’d like yours to be responded to.

Setting limits and boundaries

Sometimes parents misinterpret the term unconditional love to mean ‘love without boundaries’.

If you didn’t have healthy limits set for you as a child by your caregivers in a respectful way, it will be exponentially more challenging to make tough calls when necessary (even when they’re in the best interest of your child).

If you grew up with overly stringent limits that were enforced with unhealthy motivators like fear or even physical punishment, you may find yourself either unwittingly falling into those same harsh reactions with your child, or taking the opposite route, and finding it very difficult to enforce any limits due to the temporary discomfort it provokes in your child.

Healthy boundaries and limits set confidently and respectfully, go hand in hand with unconditional love, because they meet your child’s vital primary needs for safety and security.

When you set limits for your child, you’re essentially communicating, no matter how hard and uncomfortable it is for you or me at this moment, I will see the bigger picture and try to do what’s best for your well-being.

Accepting their personality traits

Every child comes into the world with certain characteristics and tendencies ‘hard wired’ into them. These factors known as temperament and personality have been studied for many decades and play a large role in how your child interacts with the world around them.

Getting to know your child’s personality traits and tendencies will allow you to work with them when necessary and help to support and encourage their unique and amazing gifts.

Some examples:

My child needs to move a lot, how can we find acceptable ways to move throughout the day in school?

My child is highly emotional, what support might they need to manage their emotions more effectively?

When you have either very similar or very different traits to your child in a given area, you may need to work harder to accept and support them.

Offering empathy

Climbing out of your adult brain to offer your child empathy, or the capacity to understand or feel what your child is experiencing, is perhaps the most powerful way to demonstrate your commitment to acknowledging and validating your child’s human experience.

When you try to imagine what it might be like to ‘walk in your child’s shoes when they’re fighting with their sibling or need to leave the classroom to attend a special needs learning group, you’re then able to offer the understanding and compassion your child needs to feel understood and loved unconditionally no matter what challenging situation they’re in.

Letting them persue their own interests

You spent your best years on the football field and you’ve always fantasized about the day your child would be ready for flag football, but as you’re downloading the registration form you hear their small voice, “I’m not playing football dad, I don’t want to get hit”.

There are two different directions this conversation can go. One is about meeting YOUR needs and the other is about meeting your child’s needs, and we’ll just leave it at that.

Offering forgiveness and grace

I can never hear this quote from Rebecca Eanes enough as a parent,

“Sometimes we expect, or even demand, a level of maturity our child has not reached. We project our fears and anxieties onto them instead of trusting. They all bloom in their own time. Tend the garden, and wait”.

Your child’s fastest path to learning is living. Your child is moving through the stages of human development while doing the best they can with the skills they have.

Your child will make mistakes and missteps, and these opportunities can either be used to help them learn through teaching (aka discipline), natural consequences, and learned accountability (fixing your mistakes), or what it feels like to be shamed and criticized.

Be on their team

Why ‘pick your battles’ instead of finding ways to facilitate peace?

While it is necessary to decide what limits and boundaries you will prioritize, you don’t have to go literally to battle with your child in the process.

Why not use your natural inherent power as the parent, to team up with your child and instead go to ‘battle’ with their challenges, together?

It’s “You had better get your act together or else!” vs. “It looks like being in the toy aisle is stressing you out, let’s find some ways to slow down and get under control together”.

When your child sees that you’re there for them even when things don’t look pretty in the Target checkout line, they’ll develop the trust essential for a relationship rooted in unconditional love.

Stop taking their behavior personally

While it may be easier to think of your child as the more self-centered one… often adults are incredibly short-sighted when it comes to their child’s behaviors.

We lament, “Why are they doing this to me?!”, “She’s just pushing my buttons!”, “This is a clear sign of disrespect!”

When actually, your child was too sleep-deprived to regulate her emotions, too ‘pre-school brained’ to have the impulse control to stop whining about the happy meal, and too passionate and focused about soccer to leave the field the first time asked.

When it comes to your child’s behaviors, it’s time to get over yourself and move on to what’s really going on for them.

Setting aside your own emotional experience to consider your child’s experience and support their needs in that moment, is where the unconditional love part factors in.

Model and teach consent

Physical touch is a huge way you can communicate unconditional love to your child, but the way you go about doing it matters.

The struggle is real. Your child is adorable and you want to hug, kiss and tickle them into oblivion… but how does that feel to them and their body?

Unconditional love means inhibiting your own desires (and maybe a tiny sense of entitlement as the parent) and giving your child the respect they deserve when it comes to their body.

Let them learn healthy bodily autonomy by picking out clothes that they feel good in, and wearing their hair how they’d prefer it.

Helping them learn what feels good and what doesn’t when it comes to physical affection/touch and other sensory experiences is a sure way to communicate unconditional love for your child.

Unconditional love with kids might be harder than you thought

Loving your child unconditionally might now come as easy as you may have thought.

When it comes right down to it, manifesting unconditional love with a child is VERY CHALLENGING, if you’re doing it right.

Read >> 95 Magical Encouraging Words for Kids

It means saying no to that ice cream cone even though it will bring tears.

It means sitting down to play Hotwheels even though it’s the last thing you want to do.

It means cultivating the self-awareness and humility to apologize and ask for forgiveness when you mess up.

It means letting go of your dreams to watch your child out on the soccer field and instead encouraging their dreams and love of theater.

It means taking the time to read about a toddler or presechool development, so you can put their behaviors into context and support them more effectively (instead of taking them personally).

The human condition is anything but simplistic, so inherently, humans loving other humans unconditionally won’t be easy.

Thankfully, the relentless pursuit of trying your best to show your child unconditional love every day is all that’s necessary.

Want to Raise an Emotionally Healthy Child that will thrive out in the world? I created a free 5-day parenting course just for you! (sign up below)

SEND ME THE EMAIL COURSE

Other parenting articles you’d love:

75 Awesome Calm Down Strategies for Kids that Work

125 Positive Affirmations for Kids (For Every Situation!)

10 Simple Everyday Ways to Improve Your Child’s Behavior and Mood

The Best Way to Help a Child Deal with Anger Now (and throughout life)

Raising your strong willed child without regrets (confident & connected)

About Angela Pruess LMFT

Welcome! I’m Angela, a Licensed Children’s Mental Health Professional, Positive Parenting coach, and mom to Spirited Kids that help me learn and grow (grey hairs) every single day. I believe EVERY child deserves to live their BEST life and that emotional health is the magic key to lifelong success and happiness. Read more about me and the Parents with Confidence manifesto.

10 Strong Willed Child Characteristics and How They’ll Pay off in Adulthood

September 14, 2021 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach 6 Comments

Inside: Learn strong-willed child characteristics, what they really mean for a child’s future and when to support and encourage them.

Have you ever taken the time to really think and reflect on what qualities you’d most like to see in the little human being you’re raising? Of course, I’m not talking about the qualities you’d like to see now, those are fairly easy for most of us to tick off.

[Read more…]

95 Magical Words of Encouragement for Kids (for EVERY situation)

September 9, 2021 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach Leave a Comment

Inside: Learn Words of Encouragement for kids that will inspire and motivate in the face of challenging or stressful situations.

When you think back to a favorite teacher, coach, or mentor during your childhood, can you pinpoint exactly what it was about them that made such a positive difference?

⭐️Free 9-page Expert Master guide⭐️>> 5 Secrets to MORE cooperation and LESS conflict with your strong-willed child (Click here to grab it)

I’m guessing it wasn’t the one that yelled the loudest.

Or even the one that handed out the best candy and prizes.

I’d be willing to bet, that the special adult standing out in your memory offered you words of encouragement and they stuck. Probably more than you had realized.

I’d guess that because of the positive and encouraging tone that person set, they were also able to be straightforward and honest with you, in a way that helped you to learn more about yourself and reach your potential.

Research actually found that “schoolchildren who received words of encouragement from a teacher are significantly more likely to continue their education beyond the age of 16 than those who do not”.

The positive effects of encouragement can go far beyond teachers using encouraging words for students.

When parents and caregivers also use encouraging words for kids, they have the power to change the trajectory of a child’s day, and maybe even their life.

Why words of encouragement for kids work

Research tells us that words of encouragement are so powerful for kids because as opposed to praising (which we are often tempted to do as parents), which focuses on our opinion or judgment of what our child is doing (“Good job coloring honey”), encouragement is objective, non-judgemental, and focuses in specifically on what the child is working hard at (“I see you’re washing the paintbrush off carefully after every color”).

Essentially, words of encouragement for kids help draw a child’s attention to a specific aspect of their work, helping them see and appreciate its value and in turn, improving their intrinsic (not extrinsic which is based on the value judgments of caregivers) motivation and pride.

Tips for offering positive words of encouragement to kids

Find actions and qualities you genuinely appreciate, kids pick up on it if it’s inauthentic.
The more specific the encouragment, the better
Focus on the process (or their effort) more than the outcome of any given task
Get down on their level and try to see things from their perspective
Aim to offer several encouraging phrases each day (your child often gets more negative feedback from the world than positive!)
If your child is upset or emotionally dysregulated, you may need to support them in finding a few calm down strategies for kids before they’re reading to recieve encouragement in a productive way.

Words of Encouragment for Kids in any Situation

These positive phrases will come to the rescue in times of stress when finding the right response and positive words as a parent can be challenging.

When your child is upset

I can see you’re upset, I’m here for you.

You can be the boss of your anger.

Feelings are like waves, they come and go.

All feelings are ok, but you need to be safe.

Would you like a hug?

It’s ok to be mad or angry, it’s not ok to hurt others.

It feels yucky to be so upset, let’s find something that helps you feel better.

It’s healthy to feel angry and frustrated sometimes.

Your breath is your body’s magic power for calming down.

When your child is feeling stuck

All you need to do is take the next step.

I wonder what needs to be done next?

Feeling stuck means a breakthrough is coming!

I see you’re feeling stuck and haven’t figured it out YET.

I know you’ll find a way.

It’s ok to give yourself a break.

You can always ask for help.

It looks like you’re struggling. What’s up?

You get to choose your next move.

It’s OK to not have the answer, that means you’re learning.

When your child is scared or nervous

I believe in you.

Being brave means you can be SCARED and STILL DO IT ANYWAY (if it’s good for you).

You’ve got what it takes to do this.

Everyone feels scared sometimes.

I wonder what would help you feel braver?

You’ve overcome challenges like this before.

Who inspires you to be courageous and brave?

What’s making you uncomfortable?

I see that you are braver and stronger than you think!

When your child feels negative

You can choose your thoughts.

It sounds like you’re stuck. How can I help you move forward?

Positive thinking leads to a positive day.

Everyone has hard/off days sometimes.

It’s time to move on, how can we take these lemons and make lemonade?

You are an overcomer.

Let’s find some more helpful ways to think about the situation.

I wonder how many things we can name that we’re grateful for?

Tomorrow is a new day.

When your child needs help with friends

Friends can be different than us. That’s ok!

Remember the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated yourself.

All friends disagree sometimes.

“Be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle” -Plato

Talking things out calmly will strengthen your friendship.

Good friends support and encourage each other.

Kindness makes the world go round.

You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

Your words leave an imprint on the heart of others.

You’ll rise by lifting others (based on the quote by Robert Ingersoll)

We’re all learning and sometimes a friend needs grace and forgiveness.

It’s ok to say goodbye to a friend sometimes if they’re not taking care of your heart.

When your child needs motivation

Trying your best is what matters.

Don’t look at the whole mountain, just take the first step.

Dreams don’t work unless you do.

Once you accomplish _________ then you can ______________.

What tools would help you succeed with this?

What’s something you’re looking forward to when you’re done?

When you believe in yourself, it is possible.

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

Every moment is a new chance to start again.

What roadblocks are getting in the way of you accomplishing _______________.

When your child needs to perservere

I see so much greatness in you every day when ________________.

You can do anything you want to if you stick with it long enough (based on the quote from Helen Keller)

Persistence is the secret ingredient to success.

How will you feel when you accomplish this?

You are strong and have what it takes.

What could you do to refill your tank right now?

What would help you put forth your best effort?

When your child makes a mistake

Mistakes are the best opportunities to learn something new.

Your mistakes don’t define who you are as a person.

Everyone on the planet makes mistakes sometimes! You will too.

What will you do to help fix your mistake?

It’s how you handle your mistake that makes the biggest difference.

We can learn some important things from this mistake.

Mistakes make you human and give you a chance to grow strong character.

I make mistakes too. Just this week I _______________________.

When your child needs validation

I see you working so hard to _______________.

You are capable.

You are loved no matter what.

I have faith in you.

I see your heart.

The person you are amazes me.

I am so grateful to be your parent.

You are worthy of love and attention.

Encouraging and positive words set your child up for success

No matter the situation, these encouraging phrases for kids will help your child recognize that their power lies within, and not within the judgments and opinions of others.

Instead of falling into the comparison trap of looking to other classmates and co-workers, they’ll be more inclined to focus on their own merits and effort…

…and if you’re lucky, you may just make it onto that list of adults that make a lasting impact on your child’s view of themselves and their abilities.

Want to Raise an Emotionally Healthy Child that will thrive out in the world? I created a free 5-day parenting course just for you! (sign up below)

SEND ME THE EMAIL COURSE!

Other parenting articles you’d love:

75 Awesome Calm Down Strategies for Kids that Work

10 Anxiety Symptoms in Children That Most Parents Miss

Parenting an Angry Child? 10 Possible Reasons Why

10 Simple Everyday Ways to Improve Your Child’s Behavior and Mood

The Best Way to Help a Child Deal with Anger Now (and throughout life)

About Angela Pruess LMFT

10 Simple Calming Outdoor Activities for your Irritable Toddler

May 19, 2021 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach Leave a Comment

Inside: Discover 10 easy fun and calming outdoor activities for toddlers when they’re tired, stressed, and overwhelmed.

Over the past year and a half, children have been forced to spend more time indoors than ever before, and this has had tremendous effects on their ability to regulate their emotional responses to both their own stress and that of others.

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72 Incredibly Simple Ways to Show Love for Children

February 10, 2021 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach 2 Comments

Inside: Kids need love for healthy development in all areas. Here are 72 Fun and Easy Ways parents can show love for children every day.

“Mom are we going to make the trail again?”

We were sitting on the front porch in the middle of July as my 5-year-old asked me this. I didn’t have the faintest clue what he was talking about.

“You know, the trail of hearts that goes from my bed to breakfast downstairs?

It took me a few seconds, but then it clicked. He was talking about the sweet (but not so sanitary) little tradition I had randomly started a few years ago of putting down a trail of candy conversation hearts from the kids’ beds down to the breakfast table.

At first glance, I thought it was the candy for breakfast component that had them waiting in eager anticipation for our simple ritual, but after a couple of years, I realized it was something else.

This simple act of love left a positive emotional imprint that lasted must longer than the 2 minutes it took me to scatter the mediocre tasting candies.

My children loved to wake up to something made by me, just for them.

While it’s somewhat easy to be intentionally thoughtful on special or celebratory days, let’s be honest, being intentional about showing love for children during day to day life can get lost in the mix of… well surviving.

The thing is though- for your child, being loved is a means of emotional survival.

In human development, it’s been well documented that a child comes into the world with the vital primary needs of safety and security, and gets these needs met through responsive and attuned attachments caregivers.

Essentially, the thousands of small moments of love you show your child throughout their early life, build the foundation for their emotional health and future relationships.

Emotion scientist Barbara Fredrickson describes the importance of showing love to your kids:

These moments of positive connection that parents can develop with their kids are, as an affective neuroscientist described, like fertilizer for the brain. They support brain development and social skill development. One of the most important things we can give to our kids is that caring attuned attention.

Making it a priority to demonstrate love for children clearly and regularly has the following benefits according to research:

meets your child’s basic need for safety and security
improving confidence
decreasing stress
improved academic performance
better parent-child communication
healthy emotional developmental
more positive social interactions
increases empathy

Showing kids love doesn’t have to be elaborate or fancy, and in fact, it can most definitely happen in the small moments of daily life.

Here are 72 ways you can show love for children (and boost their emotional well-being) today!

72 Ways to Show Love for Children

Showing love for children doesn’t need to be complicated, but it does need to be intentional. This list will help you remember how important small daily acts of love are to your child, and just how you’llll be able to make them happen.

Apologize when you mess up
Tell them a story about your childhood
Really listen to them
Take a 1:1 walk around the block
Make eye contact when you’re talking to them
Join in their play
Clean their room for them
Ask about the high/low of their day.
Ask how you can help
Give them free time to play
Teach them their character > their grades
Make a heart candy trail from their bedroom to breakfast

Let them express their emotions
Do yoga together
Send a joke in their lunchbox
Be brave together and try a new activity
Watch their favorite show (even if you hate it!)
Read to them
Make a hot chocolate bar

Frame a picture of you together for their room
Incorporate them into your workout routine
Give them a massage or back scratch
Include them in a typical ‘grown-up’ job
Have a family meeting

Create art and gift it to them (they’ll be so surprised to be on the receiving end for once!)
Limit screen time
Bake a healthy dessert together
Give them your absolute undivided attention
Ask them their opinion on something important
Meditate or pray together
Fold their laundry for them
Write them a letter about how amazing they are
Give them a soft cozy item

Make them a healthy meal
Make snow ice cream
Put hearts on their bedroom door with their positive qualities
Send them an expected email
Grow something together

Pick ‘your song’ together
Teach them a new card game
Write them a poem
Pick or buy them flowers
Take a trip to cuddle animals at the Humane Society
Take a hot chocolate drive to bond and chat
Create a scrapbook with them
Give them a spa day

show love to children — This picture cracks me up (you can see one cucumber falling off my 5-year-olds eye) HAAAA

Read an extra bedtime story
Tell them a make-believe story
Watch a show from your childhood (hello Mr. Rogers!!)
Read positive affirmations for kids with them

Give them screen time limits
Genuinely compliment them
Complete a challenging puzzle together
Take a hike in a nearby county/state park
Buy or check-out from the library a book you think they’d love
Add 20 seconds to your morning hug
Put on glow bracelets and have a dance-in-the-dark party

Related resource::: Want to discipline without shame, criticism, and threats? The Positive Discipline Set is for you.

Set goals with them
Help them pursue their interests
Notice and comment on their strengths
Leave a love note on the bathroom mirror
Let them have a sleepover in your bedroom
Let them pick the music in the car
Ask your child what they’d like to do together!
Have a family dinner
Make a picnic on the floor with a blanket

Pick-up a new game to play together at a thrift shop
Volunteer together or do something to help others
Do each others hair/nails
Sing together
Look at your child’s baby pictures with them
Make a fort with blankets and pillows

When it comes to showing love for children keep it simple

Demonstrating love for a child doesn’t need to come with a big price tag. As your family’s schedule (and the stresses of the world) ebb and flow, work with the time and resources you have.

This poem from Diane Loomans always hits home for me and helps me shift my mindset to slow down and make sure I’m showing love to my kids every day.

Want to Raise an Emotionally Healthy Child that will thrive out in the world? I created a free 5-day parenting course for you! (sign up below)

Healthy Daily Routines for Parents who are Confident & Calm

January 21, 2021 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach Leave a Comment

Inside: These healthy daily routines for parents encourage positive, mindful parenting that raises well-adjusted and emotionally healthy children.

I fondly remember the days of staying up till 2 am only to wake up at 6, throw my hair up in a ponytail, grab a PopTart, and head out the door to class/work.

I mean, how did I not even need the coffee??

[Read more…]

7 Eye-opening Reasons Your Child Isn’t Listening (and what to do about it)

October 19, 2020 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach 3 Comments

Inside: Discover common reasons grounded in child development why your child isn’t listening or responding to your prompts or directives and how to get your child listening.

If you find yourself musing “How do I get my child to listen?!” on a semi-regular basis, congratulations!! (Yes, I really mean that.)

[Read more…]

125 Positive Affirmations for Kids to Skyrocket Strength, Confidence and Self-Love

September 21, 2020 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach 7 Comments

Inside: Discover why science says affirmations are so powerful and learn 125 positive affirmations for kids that will boost their Confidence and Self-Esteem.

“I don’t understand my math problems at all and now my day is ruined!”.

My 10-year-old daughter tends to be a bit of a ‘black and white’ thinker.

In her quickly moving mind, most situations are deemed either all good or all bad within a matter of seconds, and she struggles to see the grey possibilities that exist in-between.

[Read more…]

5 Things Your Child Actually Needs to Have a Great Schoolyear

August 12, 2020 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach Leave a Comment

Inside: Parents will learn five simple but powerful strategies to help their children maintain good emotional health by preparing them for the school year ahead.

Do we still have to wear masks at school this year?

Can I play with all the classrooms at recess now?

How long will we have to stay home and do school online?

These are only the tip of the ‘question icebergs’ that surround many families’ discussions of what might take place during the upcoming school year.

While each child’s learning environment will look different based on their family’s needs and the geographical area they’re located, there is one variable that all children have in common this Fall, a cloud of uncertainty that continues to hang over us.

Why is this important to address? Because biologically, uncertainty wreaks havoc in the brain of your child affecting both their academic learning as well as their emotional well-being and mental health.

Basically, uncertainly equals anxiety, and an anxious brain is a brain NOT ready to listen, learn, socialize, and focus throughout the day.

The difficulty human beings have handling uncertainty isn’t particularly surprising given the fact that security, safety, and predictability are all very basic human needs.

It’s not hard to see that humans value control above almost all other capacities. We admire others who are in control, and we congratulate ourselves as we learn to control our personal circumstances (or have the illusion that we can control them).

The effect of uncertainty on the human mind has been studied at length, and time after time the results are the same; humans would actually prefer knowing a negative consequence will happen to not knowing if the consequence will be positive or negative.’ Pretty crazy right?

The good news is, this same research also shows that while humans may be averse to uncertainty, we can learn to live within it, and your child can too.

How to Help your Child Cope with the Schoolyear Ahead

While you can’t prevent uncertainty in your child’s life, you can help to equip them with powerful tools that will allow them to cope and thrive within it.

Here are 5 simple ways you can help your child to feel more confident and prepared to head into the uncertain schoolyear ahead.

Pull them into the conversation

If you ask yourself how many important conversations you have about significant life events relating to your child’s life, how many of these conversations have you included your child in?

As your child gets older and has the ability to verbalize and think critically about the topic at hand, it’s time to show them the respect of asking their opinion.

This doesn’t mean they get the final say. After all, you’re the leader of the family and ultimately decide what’s best.

It does mean that you’ll gain a better understanding of your child’s point of view on the matter and can then work to collaborate and gain a mutual understanding of the final choice moving forward.

Check-in with them often

If there was ever a time to normalize emotions, now is it. The world is emotionally charged, providing the perfect opportunity to teach your child about different emotions and healthy ways they can cope with them.

This happens simply by asking your child often, “how are you doing today? How have you been feeling?” (these emotions flashcards are a great resource for this)

Read books and offer visuals depicting different emotions and normalize and validate all of their feelings (even the ones that make you uncomfortable). Listen, listen, listen.

When your child has an outlet for their emotions not only will they feel more connected to you, they’ll be preventing anxiety and depression that can creep up when emotions are bottled up.

Give them outlets

In addition to talking about their emotions, your child’s stress needs a physical outlet as well.

Providing opportunities each day for activities that act as natural stress relievers is a guaranteed way to help them blow off steam and lighten the load their nervous system is carrying.

Some activities that are powerhouses for relieving stress are physical exercise, doing anything out in nature, and having periods of time for them to choose what they play (not including screens).

Sounds simple, but building these activities in daily takes dedication, planning, and prioritizing on your part which is often easier said than done.

Deliver the plan with confidence

While coming up with a plan for the upcoming months has likely left you feeling less than confident many days, when you’re ready to deliver the news to your child, it’s time to put your game-face on.

It’s easy to forget that you set the emotional tone for your child when you begin an important conversation.

If you’re feeling super uneasy or anxious, that’s your cue to get your own confidence and emotion ducks in a row, before communicating with your child.

Honesty with age-appropriate information is good, but without your child feeling an underlying sense of safety and security from you, it will be hard for them to find confidence in the uncertainty.

Focus on the positives and make sure they walk away with the clear message that “We can get through anything together”.

Take care of your own emotional needs

The irony is, the more you need ‘self-care the harder it is for you to put it into place. Why? Brains under stress have a harder time seeing the big picture and applying reason and logic.

Your child picks up on so much more than the words you use when sitting down to have a discussion. They pick up on your emotional energy, presence, tone of voice, and demeanor.

It’s ok for your child to see you face stress and adversity while experiencing real feelings, but it becomes overwhelming to your child if it becomes commonplace and they feel the captain of their ship is not ready to be at the wheel.

Create boundaries with your child and make sure they’re not absorbing ongoing exasperating phone calls and conversations about stressful topics.

Find outlets for your stress and work through your own emotions so they’re not inadvertently dumped on your child.

Developing character and confidence through navigating uncertainty

While the months ahead are likely not what any of us would have chosen, it’s an opportunity to learn and teach a powerful lesson. While we often can’t control the circumstances around us, we can still choose to control how we respond to it.

With your support, your child can come out of the uncertain year ahead with more confidence and resilience than they had going into it.

Want more guidance on how to raise an emotionally healthy child who will live their best life? I’ve created a free 5-day email parenting course just for you.

Sign up below to gain life-changing insights and strategies on discipline without damage, helping your child manage their emotions and the best way to get your child to listen.

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The Best Way to Help a Child Deal with Anger Now (and throughout life)

The Single Most Helpful Trick for Dealing with a Child’s Emotional Outburst

June 26, 2020 by Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach 1 Comment

Inside: Learn the first and most important step for responding to a child’s emotional outburst and a step by step guide to implement.

Between my friends, clients in my therapy practice, and the Parents with Confidence Facebook community, I’ve seen a strong reoccurring theme these last few weeks with kids.

There’s a good chance you’ve seen it with your child too.

“I feel sad and angry sometimes and I don’t really know why.”

“He keeps freaking out on me ALL THE TIME and I don’t know what to do.”

“Little things that never bothered her before are causing her to completely fall apart.”

While there doesn’t seem to be much everyone can agree on right now, one thing we surely can is that we’re all living in a stressful time.

Have YOU been feeling unsettled, unfocused, and overwhelmed lately (I can’t be the only one)?

Now just imagine how your little people feel, as they are waaaay more dependent on consistency, predictability and stability to provide them with a vital sense of safety and security.

When your child’s brain’s sense of safety is threatened, it activates their brain’s emotional center, or amygdala, cueing more emotional outbursts.

Everyone’s emotional house is crumbling a bit right now, which really isn’t all that surprising is it?

So what’s the first and more important thing a parent can do when dealing with their child’s emotional outbursts?

Stop acting like they shouldn’t be having an outburst.

Step one for Helping Your Child During an Emotional Outburst

Here’s the thing. Your child will have a very difficult time successfully working through (aka getting done with) their emotional outbursts if you’re not creating an environment that allows and welcomes emotions (and especially big ones).

I know it’s uncomfortable when your child cries and I also know that your brain goes into panic/stress/anger overload when your son whacks your daughter with a piece of his Hot Wheels Track.

This happens because you are a good parent and you are HUMAN.

You want to protect your child from pain and discomfort and care about them so much that you become emotionally overwhelmed right alongside them!

While this may be our instinctive (and learned in many cases from a childhood where our emotions were dismissed) reaction, it’s not a helpful or healthy one when it comes to raising an emotionally intelligent child.

Because emotions are actual physical-chemical responses in your child’s brain, Resisting, and trying to force them away does not work.

When it comes to calming an emotional child, the only way out of an emotional outburst is through.

We are certainly good at acting as if we have the power to stop the emotional fireworks from being set off though aren’t we?

“You’ll be ok, you’re not going to die from it!”

“It’s not that big of a deal, you’ll be fine“

“Knock it off, that’s enough!”

Take just a quick second to think about how you’d feel if your partner/friend etc responded to your tears or anger with those phrases.

Pretty eye-opening isn’t it? Not to mention epically disrespectful AND unhelpful.

Related resource:: The Magical Phrase to Use with Fighting Kids {Printable}

Your child’s dismissed and invalidated emotions aren’t going anywhere good (ignoring them enough will send them to the subconscious mind where they can fester into anxiety and depression) so it’s time for you to ‘suck it up’ (see what I did there?) and learn how to get a little more zen when your child’s emotions start to fly.

Practical Steps to Resist shutting down your child’s emotions during an emotional outburst

1. Reflect on how you show up when your child’s emotions become escalated. Do you become emotionally heightened right alongside your child and begin to yell? Or do you tend to shut down and move away from them?

This is likely your default mode for responding to stress, or how you react when your limbic system starts to activate ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode.

Knowing your own tendencies and reactions when you become overwhelmed, will allow you to explore whether or not that pattern is going to be helpful for your child. When it comes to fostering your child’s emotional regulation skills, coming alongside them as a calm steady guide is always the most helpful approach.

2. Reflect on where your patterns or reactions come from. When you were young did your caregivers quickly shut down your emotions communicating they were intolerable? Many of us heard the common phrases “Stop crying!” “Just deal with it” “Tough it out” and learned that emotional expression needs to be extinguished.

Perhaps by nature, you’d consider yourself a very emotional person. As a highly sensitive person (or HSP), I’ve learned that I’m affected more deeply and intensely by the big emotions of my children.

Exploring both nature and nurture will help you better understand yourself and become more intentional about the way you react to your child in stressful circumstances.

3. Count to 10 and repeat a helpful mantra in times of stress. When your brain is stressed, it likes to default to old (and oftentimes unhelpful) habits. You need to steer it in the right direction and the best way to do this is with your thoughts.

Give yourself a phrase or mantra to repeat often such as ‘Pause, and let it be’, ‘I can handle this’, ‘breathe and allow their emotions to come’ etc.

Remind yourself that the only healthy way ‘out’ of emotion is going through it. Emotions are meant to be noticed, felt, and listened to as they communicate so many helpful things to us!

These 10 seconds will allow your brain’s stress reaction to calm down and will model for your child that emotional expression is healthy and acceptable and that their emotions are not too big or scary for you to handle.

When you master these 3 Steps You Can Then Move on to This…

Only when you successfully make space for their emotional expression first can you move into the ‘hands-on’ part we all like to jump to, talking to your child and helping them to cope.

A simple phrase that validates their emotion will go far to help them feel seen and heard, “I see you’re very upset and I’m here” is a great validating phrase for many situations. In situations where your child is expressing their emotions in ways that are physically or emotionally unsafe a limit is still needed.

It’s possible to provide both reassurances of their emotions and set a limit on their behavior at the same time. “It’s ok to be mad but it’s not ok to hit your brother. I’m here to help”.

Related resource:: The ‘Calm Kids Set’ will teach you everything you need to know to foster emotional regulation skills in your child and it’s 40% off for a limited time. Grab it here.

The best way to help with your child’s emotional outbursts is also the best way to raise an emotionally intelligent child

The question of how to raise an emotionally intelligent child is a life-changing one, and it starts with the ’emotional atmosphere’ they internalize in their everyday environment.

While stress is at an unprecedently level right now for both adults and children alike, instead of viewing this in only negative light, we can see it as an opportunity to grow and expand ourselves as parents, and to foster invaluable social and emotional skills for our children.

Healthy emotional development in children starts with the foundational concept that our emotions are meant to be acknowledged and accepted.

Oftentimes in parenting, ‘listening to your instincts’ is a helpful concept. For many of us, responding to our child’s emotional outbursts is a exception to this rule.

The good news? Raising an emotionally healthy child that will live their best life, can start with the small simple step of practicing going against your ‘instinctual grain’, during your child’s emotional outburst today.

Want more guidance on how to raise an emotionally healthy child who will live their best life? I’ve created a free 5-day email parenting course just for you.

Sign up below to gain life-changing insights and strategies on discipline without damage, helping your child manage their emotions and the best way to get your child to listen.