Raising emotionally healthy children who will live their BEST life..
Have you ever taken the time to really think and reflect on what qualities you’d most like to see in the little human being you’re raising? Of course, I’m not talking about the qualities you’d like to see now, those are fairly easy for most of us to tick off.
[Read more…]Inside: Learn Words of Encouragement for kids that will inspire and motivate in the face of challenging or stressful situations.
When you think back to a favorite teacher, coach, or mentor during your childhood, can you pinpoint exactly what it was about them that made such a positive difference?
I’m guessing it wasn’t the one that yelled the loudest.
Or even the one that handed out the best candy and prizes.
I’d be willing to bet, that the special adult standing out in your memory offered you words of encouragement and they stuck. Probably more than you had realized.
I’d guess that because of the positive and encouraging tone that person set, they were also able to be straightforward and honest with you, in a way that helped you to learn more about yourself and reach your potential.
Research actually found that “schoolchildren who received words of encouragement from a teacher are significantly more likely to continue their education beyond the age of 16 than those who do not”.
The positive effects of encouragement can go far beyond teachers using encouraging words for students.
When parents and caregivers also use encouraging words for kids, they have the power to change the trajectory of a child’s day, and maybe even their life.
Research tells us that words of encouragement are so powerful for kids because as opposed to praising (which we are often tempted to do as parents), which focuses on our opinion or judgment of what our child is doing (“Good job coloring honey”), encouragement is objective, non-judgemental, and focuses in specifically on what the child is working hard at (“I see you’re washing the paintbrush off carefully after every color”).
Essentially, words of encouragement for kids help draw a child’s attention to a specific aspect of their work, helping them see and appreciate its value and in turn, improving their intrinsic (not extrinsic which is based on the value judgments of caregivers) motivation and pride.
These positive phrases will come to the rescue in times of stress when finding the right response and positive words as a parent can be challenging.
I can see you’re upset, I’m here for you.
You can be the boss of your anger.
Feelings are like waves, they come and go.
All feelings are ok, but you need to be safe.
Would you like a hug?
It’s ok to be mad or angry, it’s not ok to hurt others.
It feels yucky to be so upset, let’s find something that helps you feel better.
It’s healthy to feel angry and frustrated sometimes.
Your breath is your body’s magic power for calming down.
All you need to do is take the next step.
I wonder what needs to be done next?
Feeling stuck means a breakthrough is coming!
I see you’re feeling stuck and haven’t figured it out YET.
I know you’ll find a way.
It’s ok to give yourself a break.
You can always ask for help.
It looks like you’re struggling. What’s up?
You get to choose your next move.
It’s OK to not have the answer, that means you’re learning.
I believe in you.
Being brave means you can be SCARED and STILL DO IT ANYWAY (if it’s good for you).
You’ve got what it takes to do this.
Everyone feels scared sometimes.
I wonder what would help you feel braver?
You’ve overcome challenges like this before.
Who inspires you to be courageous and brave?
What’s making you uncomfortable?
I see that you are braver and stronger than you think!
You can choose your thoughts.
It sounds like you’re stuck. How can I help you move forward?
Positive thinking leads to a positive day.
Everyone has hard/off days sometimes.
It’s time to move on, how can we take these lemons and make lemonade?
You are an overcomer.
Let’s find some more helpful ways to think about the situation.
I wonder how many things we can name that we’re grateful for?
Tomorrow is a new day.
Friends can be different than us. That’s ok!
Remember the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated yourself.
All friends disagree sometimes.
“Be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle” -Plato
Talking things out calmly will strengthen your friendship.
Good friends support and encourage each other.
Kindness makes the world go round.
You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Your words leave an imprint on the heart of others.
You’ll rise by lifting others (based on the quote by Robert Ingersoll)
We’re all learning and sometimes a friend needs grace and forgiveness.
It’s ok to say goodbye to a friend sometimes if they’re not taking care of your heart.
Trying your best is what matters.
Don’t look at the whole mountain, just take the first step.
Dreams don’t work unless you do.
Once you accomplish _________ then you can ______________.
What tools would help you succeed with this?
What’s something you’re looking forward to when you’re done?
When you believe in yourself, it is possible.
Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.
Every moment is a new chance to start again.
What roadblocks are getting in the way of you accomplishing _______________.
I see so much greatness in you every day when ________________.
You can do anything you want to if you stick with it long enough (based on the quote from Helen Keller)
Persistence is the secret ingredient to success.
How will you feel when you accomplish this?
You are strong and have what it takes.
What could you do to refill your tank right now?
What would help you put forth your best effort?
Mistakes are the best opportunities to learn something new.
Your mistakes don’t define who you are as a person.
Everyone on the planet makes mistakes sometimes! You will too.
What will you do to help fix your mistake?
It’s how you handle your mistake that makes the biggest difference.
We can learn some important things from this mistake.
Mistakes make you human and give you a chance to grow strong character.
I make mistakes too. Just this week I _______________________.
I see you working so hard to _______________.
You are capable.
You are loved no matter what.
I have faith in you.
I see your heart.
The person you are amazes me.
I am so grateful to be your parent.
You are worthy of love and attention.
No matter the situation, these encouraging phrases for kids will help your child recognize that their power lies within, and not within the judgments and opinions of others.
Instead of falling into the comparison trap of looking to other classmates and co-workers, they’ll be more inclined to focus on their own merits and effort…
…and if you’re lucky, you may just make it onto that list of adults that make a lasting impact on your child’s view of themselves and their abilities.
Want to Raise an Emotionally Healthy Child that will thrive out in the world? I created a free 5-day parenting course just for you! (sign up below)
Other parenting articles you’d love:
75 Awesome Calm Down Strategies for Kids that Work
10 Anxiety Symptoms in Children That Most Parents Miss
Parenting an Angry Child? 10 Possible Reasons Why
10 Simple Everyday Ways to Improve Your Child’s Behavior and Mood
The Best Way to Help a Child Deal with Anger Now (and throughout life)
About Angela Pruess LMFT
Welcome! I’m Angela, a Licensed Children’s Mental Health Professional, Positive Parenting coach, and mom to Spirited Kids that help me learn and grow (grey hairs) every single day. I believe EVERY child deserves to live their BEST life and that emotional health is the magic key to lifelong success and happiness. Read more about me and the Parents with Confidence manifesto.
Over the past year and a half, children have been forced to spend more time indoors than ever before, and this has had tremendous effects on their ability to regulate their emotional responses to both their own stress and that of others.
Inside: Kids need love for healthy development in all areas. Here are 72 Fun and Easy Ways parents can show love for children every day.
“Mom are we going to make the trail again?”
We were sitting on the front porch in the middle of July as my 5-year-old asked me this. I didn’t have the faintest clue what he was talking about.
“You know, the trail of hearts that goes from my bed to breakfast downstairs?
It took me a few seconds, but then it clicked. He was talking about the sweet (but not so sanitary) little tradition I had randomly started a few years ago of putting down a trail of candy conversation hearts from the kids’ beds down to the breakfast table.
At first glance, I thought it was the candy for breakfast component that had them waiting in eager anticipation for our simple ritual, but after a couple of years, I realized it was something else.
This simple act of love left a positive emotional imprint that lasted must longer than the 2 minutes it took me to scatter the mediocre tasting candies.
My children loved to wake up to something made by me, just for them.
While it’s somewhat easy to be intentionally thoughtful on special or celebratory days, let’s be honest, being intentional about showing love for children during day to day life can get lost in the mix of… well surviving.
The thing is though- for your child, being loved is a means of emotional survival.
In human development, it’s been well documented that a child comes into the world with the vital primary needs of safety and security, and gets these needs met through responsive and attuned attachments caregivers.
Essentially, the thousands of small moments of love you show your child throughout their early life, build the foundation for their emotional health and future relationships.
Emotion scientist Barbara Fredrickson describes the importance of showing love to your kids:
These moments of positive connection that parents can develop with their kids are, as an affective neuroscientist described, like fertilizer for the brain. They support brain development and social skill development. One of the most important things we can give to our kids is that caring attuned attention.
Making it a priority to demonstrate love for children clearly and regularly has the following benefits according to research:
Showing kids love doesn’t have to be elaborate or fancy, and in fact, it can most definitely happen in the small moments of daily life.
Here are 72 ways you can show love for children (and boost their emotional well-being) today!
Showing love for children doesn’t need to be complicated, but it does need to be intentional. This list will help you remember how important small daily acts of love are to your child, and just how you’llll be able to make them happen.
Related>> How to Build an Unbreakable Bond with Your Child
Related resource::: Give your child the lifelong superpower of emotional regulation skills with the Calm Kids Set
Related read >> How to use Your Child’s Love Language to Make Special Days more Meaningful
Demonstrating love for a child doesn’t need to come with a big price tag. As your family’s schedule (and the stresses of the world) ebb and flow, work with the time and resources you have.
This poem from Diane Loomans always hits home for me and helps me shift my mindset to slow down and make sure I’m showing love to my kids every day.
Other parenting articles you’d love:
75 Awesome Calm Down Strategies for Kids (that they’ll actually want to try!)
The Best Mindset for Parenting a spirited Emotionally Intense Child
10 Insights of Remarkable Parents from a Family Therapist
Easy Ways to Bond With Your Child (even when there’s no time in the day)
10 Everyday Ways to Improve Your Child’s Mood and Behavior
Inside: These healthy daily routines for parents encourage positive, mindful parenting that raises well-adjusted and emotionally healthy children.
I fondly remember the days of staying up till 2 am only to wake up at 6, throw my hair up in a ponytail, grab a PopTart, and head out the door to class/work.
I mean, how did I not even need the coffee??
If you find yourself musing “How do I get my child to listen?!” on a semi-regular basis, congratulations!! (Yes, I really mean that.)
“I don’t understand my math problems at all and now my day is ruined!”.
My 10-year-old daughter tends to be a bit of a ‘black and white’ thinker.
In her quickly moving mind, most situations are deemed either all good or all bad within a matter of seconds, and she struggles to see the grey possibilities that exist in-between.
Do we still have to wear masks at school this year?
Can I play with all the classrooms at recess now?
How long will we have to stay home and do school online?
These are only the tip of the ‘question icebergs’ that surround many families’ discussions of what might take place during the upcoming school year.
While each child’s learning environment will look different based on their family’s needs and the geographical area they’re located, there is one variable that all children have in common this Fall, a cloud of uncertainty that continues to hang over us.
Why is this important to address? Because biologically, uncertainty wreaks havoc in the brain of your child affecting both their academic learning as well as their emotional well-being and mental health.
Basically, uncertainly equals anxiety, and an anxious brain is a brain NOT ready to listen, learn, socialize, and focus throughout the day.
The difficulty human beings have handling uncertainty isn’t particularly surprising given the fact that security, safety, and predictability are all very basic human needs.
It’s not hard to see that humans value control above almost all other capacities. We admire others who are in control, and we congratulate ourselves as we learn to control our personal circumstances (or have the illusion that we can control them).
The effect of uncertainty on the human mind has been studied at length, and time after time the results are the same; humans would actually prefer knowing a negative consequence will happen to not knowing if the consequence will be positive or negative.’ Pretty crazy right?
The good news is, this same research also shows that while humans may be averse to uncertainty, we can learn to live within it, and your child can too.
While you can’t prevent uncertainty in your child’s life, you can help to equip them with powerful tools that will allow them to cope and thrive within it.
Here are 5 simple ways you can help your child to feel more confident and prepared to head into the uncertain schoolyear ahead.
If you ask yourself how many important conversations you have about significant life events relating to your child’s life, how many of these conversations have you included your child in?
As your child gets older and has the ability to verbalize and think critically about the topic at hand, it’s time to show them the respect of asking their opinion.
This doesn’t mean they get the final say. After all, you’re the leader of the family and ultimately decide what’s best.
It does mean that you’ll gain a better understanding of your child’s point of view on the matter and can then work to collaborate and gain a mutual understanding of the final choice moving forward.
If there was ever a time to normalize emotions, now is it. The world is emotionally charged, providing the perfect opportunity to teach your child about different emotions and healthy ways they can cope with them.
This happens simply by asking your child often, “how are you doing today? How have you been feeling?” (these emotions flashcards are a great resource for this)
Read books and offer visuals depicting different emotions and normalize and validate all of their feelings (even the ones that make you uncomfortable). Listen, listen, listen.
When your child has an outlet for their emotions not only will they feel more connected to you, they’ll be preventing anxiety and depression that can creep up when emotions are bottled up.
In addition to talking about their emotions, your child’s stress needs a physical outlet as well.
Providing opportunities each day for activities that act as natural stress relievers is a guaranteed way to help them blow off steam and lighten the load their nervous system is carrying.
Some activities that are powerhouses for relieving stress are physical exercise, doing anything out in nature, and having periods of time for them to choose what they play (not including screens).
Sounds simple, but building these activities in daily takes dedication, planning, and prioritizing on your part which is often easier said than done.
While coming up with a plan for the upcoming months has likely left you feeling less than confident many days, when you’re ready to deliver the news to your child, it’s time to put your game-face on.
It’s easy to forget that you set the emotional tone for your child when you begin an important conversation.
If you’re feeling super uneasy or anxious, that’s your cue to get your own confidence and emotion ducks in a row, before communicating with your child.
Honesty with age-appropriate information is good, but without your child feeling an underlying sense of safety and security from you, it will be hard for them to find confidence in the uncertainty.
Focus on the positives and make sure they walk away with the clear message that “We can get through anything together”.
The irony is, the more you need ‘self-care the harder it is for you to put it into place. Why? Brains under stress have a harder time seeing the big picture and applying reason and logic.
Your child picks up on so much more than the words you use when sitting down to have a discussion. They pick up on your emotional energy, presence, tone of voice, and demeanor.
It’s ok for your child to see you face stress and adversity while experiencing real feelings, but it becomes overwhelming to your child if it becomes commonplace and they feel the captain of their ship is not ready to be at the wheel.
Create boundaries with your child and make sure they’re not absorbing ongoing exasperating phone calls and conversations about stressful topics.
Find outlets for your stress and work through your own emotions so they’re not inadvertently dumped on your child.
While the months ahead are likely not what any of us would have chosen, it’s an opportunity to learn and teach a powerful lesson. While we often can’t control the circumstances around us, we can still choose to control how we respond to it.
With your support, your child can come out of the uncertain year ahead with more confidence and resilience than they had going into it.
Sign up below to gain life-changing insights and strategies on discipline without damage, helping your child manage their emotions and the best way to get your child to listen.
75 Awesome Calm Down Strategies for Kids that Work
10 Anxiety Symptoms in Children That Most Parents Miss
Parenting an Angry Child? 10 Possible Reasons Why
10 Simple Everyday Ways to Improve Your Child’s Behavior and Mood
The Best Way to Help a Child Deal with Anger Now (and throughout life)
Between my friends, clients in my therapy practice, and the Parents with Confidence Facebook community, I’ve seen a strong reoccurring theme these last few weeks with kids.
There’s a good chance you’ve seen it with your child too.
“I feel sad and angry sometimes and I don’t really know why.”
“He keeps freaking out on me ALL THE TIME and I don’t know what to do.”
“Little things that never bothered her before are causing her to completely fall apart.”
While there doesn’t seem to be much everyone can agree on right now, one thing we surely can is that we’re all living in a stressful time.
Have YOU been feeling unsettled, unfocused, and overwhelmed lately (I can’t be the only one)?
Now just imagine how your little people feel, as they are waaaay more dependent on consistency, predictability and stability to provide them with a vital sense of safety and security.
When your child’s brain’s sense of safety is threatened, it activates their brain’s emotional center, or amygdala, cueing more emotional outbursts.
Everyone’s emotional house is crumbling a bit right now, which really isn’t all that surprising is it?
So what’s the first and more important thing a parent can do when dealing with their child’s emotional outbursts?
Stop acting like they shouldn’t be having an outburst.
Here’s the thing. Your child will have a very difficult time successfully working through (aka getting done with) their emotional outbursts if you’re not creating an environment that allows and welcomes emotions (and especially big ones).
I know it’s uncomfortable when your child cries and I also know that your brain goes into panic/stress/anger overload when your son whacks your daughter with a piece of his Hot Wheels Track.
This happens because you are a good parent and you are HUMAN.
You want to protect your child from pain and discomfort and care about them so much that you become emotionally overwhelmed right alongside them!
While this may be our instinctive (and learned in many cases from a childhood where our emotions were dismissed) reaction, it’s not a helpful or healthy one when it comes to raising an emotionally intelligent child.
Because emotions are actual physical-chemical responses in your child’s brain, Resisting, and trying to force them away does not work.
When it comes to calming an emotional child, the only way out of an emotional outburst is through.
We are certainly good at acting as if we have the power to stop the emotional fireworks from being set off though aren’t we?
“You’ll be ok, you’re not going to die from it!”
“It’s not that big of a deal, you’ll be fine“
“Knock it off, that’s enough!”
Take just a quick second to think about how you’d feel if your partner/friend etc responded to your tears or anger with those phrases.
Pretty eye-opening isn’t it? Not to mention epically disrespectful AND unhelpful.
Related resource:: The Magical Phrase to Use with Fighting Kids {Printable}
Your child’s dismissed and invalidated emotions aren’t going anywhere good (ignoring them enough will send them to the subconscious mind where they can fester into anxiety and depression) so it’s time for you to ‘suck it up’ (see what I did there?) and learn how to get a little more zen when your child’s emotions start to fly.
1. Reflect on how you show up when your child’s emotions become escalated. Do you become emotionally heightened right alongside your child and begin to yell? Or do you tend to shut down and move away from them?
This is likely your default mode for responding to stress, or how you react when your limbic system starts to activate ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode.
Knowing your own tendencies and reactions when you become overwhelmed, will allow you to explore whether or not that pattern is going to be helpful for your child. When it comes to fostering your child’s emotional regulation skills, coming alongside them as a calm steady guide is always the most helpful approach.
2. Reflect on where your patterns or reactions come from. When you were young did your caregivers quickly shut down your emotions communicating they were intolerable? Many of us heard the common phrases “Stop crying!” “Just deal with it” “Tough it out” and learned that emotional expression needs to be extinguished.
Perhaps by nature, you’d consider yourself a very emotional person. As a highly sensitive person (or HSP), I’ve learned that I’m affected more deeply and intensely by the big emotions of my children.
Exploring both nature and nurture will help you better understand yourself and become more intentional about the way you react to your child in stressful circumstances.
3. Count to 10 and repeat a helpful mantra in times of stress. When your brain is stressed, it likes to default to old (and oftentimes unhelpful) habits. You need to steer it in the right direction and the best way to do this is with your thoughts.
Give yourself a phrase or mantra to repeat often such as ‘Pause, and let it be’, ‘I can handle this’, ‘breathe and allow their emotions to come’ etc.
Remind yourself that the only healthy way ‘out’ of emotion is going through it. Emotions are meant to be noticed, felt, and listened to as they communicate so many helpful things to us!
These 10 seconds will allow your brain’s stress reaction to calm down and will model for your child that emotional expression is healthy and acceptable and that their emotions are not too big or scary for you to handle.
Only when you successfully make space for their emotional expression first can you move into the ‘hands-on’ part we all like to jump to, talking to your child and helping them to cope.
A simple phrase that validates their emotion will go far to help them feel seen and heard, “I see you’re very upset and I’m here” is a great validating phrase for many situations. In situations where your child is expressing their emotions in ways that are physically or emotionally unsafe a limit is still needed.
It’s possible to provide both reassurances of their emotions and set a limit on their behavior at the same time. “It’s ok to be mad but it’s not ok to hit your brother. I’m here to help”.
Related resource:: The ‘Calm Kids Set’ will teach you everything you need to know to foster emotional regulation skills in your child and it’s 40% off for a limited time. Grab it here.
The question of how to raise an emotionally intelligent child is a life-changing one, and it starts with the ’emotional atmosphere’ they internalize in their everyday environment.
While stress is at an unprecedently level right now for both adults and children alike, instead of viewing this in only negative light, we can see it as an opportunity to grow and expand ourselves as parents, and to foster invaluable social and emotional skills for our children.
Healthy emotional development in children starts with the foundational concept that our emotions are meant to be acknowledged and accepted.
Oftentimes in parenting, ‘listening to your instincts’ is a helpful concept. For many of us, responding to our child’s emotional outbursts is a exception to this rule.
The good news? Raising an emotionally healthy child that will live their best life, can start with the small simple step of practicing going against your ‘instinctual grain’, during your child’s emotional outburst today.
Sign up below to gain life-changing insights and strategies on discipline without damage, helping your child manage their emotions and the best way to get your child to listen.
Other articles you’ll love:
75 Awesome Calm Down Strategies for Kids that Work
10 Anxiety Symptoms in Children That Most Parents Miss
Parenting an Angry Child? 10 Possible Reasons Why
10 Simple Everyday Ways to Improve Your Child’s Behavior and Mood
The Best Way to Help a Child Deal with Anger Now (and throughout life)
It’s the difference between a confident child and an insecure one, a cooperative child and a defiant one, one that agrees to set the table and one that scoffs (ok, most of them scoff either way but what’s important is that they still set the table). [Read more…]
