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  • Positive Parenting
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The Single Most Helpful Trick for Dealing with a Child’s Emotional Outburst

June 26, 2020 by Angela Pruess 1 Comment

Inside: Learn the first and most important step for responding to a child’s emotional outburst and a step by step guide to implement.

Between my friends, clients in my therapy practice, and the Parents with Confidence Facebook community, I’ve seen a strong reoccurring theme these last few weeks with kids.

There’s a good chance you’ve seen it with your child too.

“I feel sad and angry sometimes and I don’t really know why.”

“He keeps freaking out on me ALL THE TIME and I don’t know what to do.”

“Little things that never bothered her before are causing her to completely fall apart.”

deal with child's anger outburts

While there doesn’t seem to be much everyone can agree on right now, one thing we surely can is that we’re all living in a stressful time. 

Have YOU been feeling unsettled, unfocused, and overwhelmed lately (I can’t be the only one)?

Now just imagine how your little people feel, as they are waaaay more dependent on consistency, predictability and stability to provide them with a vital sense of safety and security.

When your child’s brain’s sense of safety is threatened, it activates their brain’s emotional center, or amygdala, cueing more emotional outbursts.

Everyone’s emotional house is crumbling a bit right now, which really isn’t all that surprising is it? 

So what’s the first and more important thing a parent can do when dealing with their child’s emotional outbursts?

Stop acting like they shouldn’t be having an outburst.

 

Step one for Helping Your Child During an Emotional Outburst

Here’s the thing. Your child will have a very difficult time successfully working through (aka getting done with) their emotional outbursts if you’re not creating an environment that allows and welcomes emotions (and especially big ones). 

I know it’s uncomfortable when your child cries and I also know that your brain goes into panic/stress/anger overload when your son whacks your daughter with a piece of his Hot Wheels Track. 

This happens because you are a good parent and you are HUMAN. 

You want to protect your child from pain and discomfort and care about them so much that you become emotionally overwhelmed right alongside them! 

While this may be our instinctive (and learned in many cases from a childhood where our emotions were dismissed) reaction, it’s not a helpful or healthy one when it comes to raising an emotionally intelligent child.

Because emotions are actual physical-chemical responses in your child’s brain, Resisting, and trying to force them away does not work. 

When it comes to calming an emotional child, the only way out of an emotional outburst is through. 

We are certainly good at acting as if we have the power to stop the emotional fireworks from being set off though aren’t we?

“You’ll be ok, you’re not going to die from it!”

“It’s not that big of a deal, you’ll be fine“

“Knock it off, that’s enough!”

Take just a quick second to think about how you’d feel if your partner/friend etc responded to your tears or anger with those phrases.

Pretty eye-opening isn’t it? Not to mention epically disrespectful AND unhelpful.

Related resource:: The Magical Phrase to Use with Fighting Kids {Printable}

Your child’s dismissed and invalidated emotions aren’t going anywhere good (ignoring them enough will send them to the subconscious mind where they can fester into anxiety and depression) so it’s time for you to ‘suck it up’ (see what I did there?) and learn how to get a little more zen when your child’s emotions start to fly. 

Practical Steps to Resist shutting down your child’s emotions during an emotional outburst

1. Reflect on how you show up when your child’s emotions become escalated. Do you become emotionally heightened right alongside your child and begin to yell? Or do you tend to shut down and move away from them?

This is likely your default mode for responding to stress, or how you react when your limbic system starts to activate ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode.

Knowing your own tendencies and reactions when you become overwhelmed, will allow you to explore whether or not that pattern is going to be helpful for your child. When it comes to fostering your child’s emotional regulation skills, coming alongside them as a calm steady guide is always the most helpful approach.

2. Reflect on where your patterns or reactions come from. When you were young did your caregivers quickly shut down your emotions communicating they were intolerable? Many of us heard the common phrases “Stop crying!” “Just deal with it” “Tough it out” and learned that emotional expression needs to be extinguished. 

Perhaps by nature, you’d consider yourself a very emotional person. As a highly sensitive person (or HSP), I’ve learned that I’m affected more deeply and intensely by the big emotions of my children.

Exploring both nature and nurture will help you better understand yourself and become more intentional about the way you react to your child in stressful circumstances.  

3. Count to 10 and repeat a helpful mantra in times of stress. When your brain is stressed, it likes to default to old (and oftentimes unhelpful) habits. You need to steer it in the right direction and the best way to do this is with your thoughts.

Give yourself a phrase or mantra to repeat often such as ‘Pause, and let it be’, ‘I can handle this’, ‘breathe and allow their emotions to come’ etc.

Remind yourself that the only healthy way ‘out’ of emotion is going through it. Emotions are meant to be noticed, felt, and listened to as they communicate so many helpful things to us!

These 10 seconds will allow your brain’s stress reaction to calm down and will model for your child that emotional expression is healthy and acceptable and that their emotions are not too big or scary for you to handle. 

When you master these 3 Steps You Can Then Move on to This…

Only when you successfully make space for their emotional expression first can you move into the ‘hands-on’ part we all like to jump to, talking to your child and helping them to cope. 

A simple phrase that validates their emotion will go far to help them feel seen and heard, “I see you’re very upset and I’m here” is a great validating phrase for many situations. In situations where your child is expressing their emotions in ways that are physically or emotionally unsafe a limit is still needed. 

It’s possible to provide both reassurances of their emotions and set a limit on their behavior at the same time. “It’s ok to be mad but it’s not ok to hit your brother. I’m here to help”.

handle child's emotional outburst

Related resource:: The ‘Calm Kids Set’ will teach you everything you need to know to foster emotional regulation skills in your child and it’s 40% off for a limited time. Grab it here. 

Calm Kids Set

The best way to help with your child’s emotional outbursts is also the best way to raise an emotionally intelligent child

The question of how to raise an emotionally intelligent child is a life-changing one, and it starts with the ’emotional atmosphere’ they internalize in their everyday environment. 

While stress is at an unprecedently level right now for both adults and children alike, instead of viewing this in only negative light, we can see it as an opportunity to grow and expand ourselves as parents, and to foster invaluable social and emotional skills for our children. 

Healthy emotional development in children starts with the foundational concept that our emotions are meant to be acknowledged and accepted. 

Oftentimes in parenting, ‘listening to your instincts’ is a helpful concept. For many of us, responding to our child’s emotional outbursts is a exception to this rule. 

The good news? Raising an emotionally healthy child that will live their best life, can start with the small simple step of practicing going against your ‘instinctual grain’, during your child’s emotional outburst today. 

Want more guidance on how to raise an emotionally healthy child who will live their best life? I’ve created a free 5-day email parenting course just for you. 

Sign up below to gain life-changing insights and strategies on discipline without damage, helping your child manage their emotions and the best way to get your child to listen. 

Other articles you’ll love:

75 Awesome Calm Down Strategies for Kids that Work

10 Anxiety Symptoms in Children That Most Parents Miss

Parenting an Angry Child? 10 Possible Reasons Why

10 Simple Everyday Ways to Improve Your Child’s Behavior and Mood

The Best Way to Help a Child Deal with Anger Now (and throughout life)

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: emotional intelligence, emotional regulation

The Real Reason Kids Whine, Pester and Complain (and how to stop it)

September 20, 2019 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

Shear terror comes over me when I realize I have no other choice but to bring all 3 of my small kids along to the grocery store.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: how to stop whining

7 Types of Play that Skyrocket a Child’s Social and Emotional Development

July 15, 2019 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

Inside: These 8 types of play are essential for the development of every child and contribute to a child’s emotional health in many important ways.

How seriously do you take your child’s playtime?

If we’re being honest, I think for most of us the answer would be not very. 

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Child Development Tagged With: importance of play, play, play and children's emotional wellbeing

Toddler Discipline: 5 Insider Secrets that Change Your Outlook

January 9, 2018 by Angela Pruess 6 Comments

Inside: Approaching toddler discipline is much easier when you learn the social and emotional development underlying frustrating behaviors. 

“Mama, can we get some fwuut snacks? Pweeeeeeese?”

Last week, while at the grocery store, my 3-year-old and I ran into a close family friend we hadn’t seen in a long time. It was a dear friend so I ran over to greet her enthusiastically with a hug.

As soon as we finished exchanging hello’s, I knew exactly what would happen next as I’d been living in the land of toddler discipline all morning.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: Preschooler's development, Raising a Toddler, Toddler Emotional and Behavioral Development

20 Epic Life Skills Your Child Learns Through Play

August 11, 2017 by Angela Pruess 7 Comments

Play is an underestimated but vastly powerful force on your child’s development, read more about the areas of development that are positively impacted by play. 

I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to summer camp, like real camp. The kind where you don’t get to talk to them on the phone at all and they sleep over night for the whole week (gasp!).

This is the stuff a mother’s nightmares are made of, but truth be told my girl was eager and ready for the adventure so I was feeling surprisingly calm. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Child Development, Childhood Mental Health Tagged With: child development, play

4 Ways to be an Amazing Parent to your Teen (and even enjoy it!)

January 30, 2017 by Angela Pruess 4 Comments

Inside: Learn four essential ways to be the best parent to your teenager while also enjoying this stage of their growth and development.

*This post may contain affiliate links which allow me to hook you up with the best parent resources and help the website keep running in the process!

For decades the teenage years have been foreshadowed by fear and negativity. My oldest daughter just lost her second tooth and I am already breaking out into a sweat thinking about the hormonal years that lie ahead.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: parenting, parenting teens, teens

6 Signs Your Child has Officially Entered the Pre-teen Years

January 20, 2017 by Angela Pruess 1 Comment

Inside: Learn 6 common behaviors that signal pre-adolescence in a child and how to handle them with confidence.
This article may contain affiliate links that allow us to make a small fraction of your purchase to keep bringing the research-backed goodness coming. 

While parents are told to ‘buckle up’ for the teenage years, we don’t talk much about the turbulence of the years leading up to adolescence, the pre-teen years.

We should, though. The pre-adolescent years (between the ages of nine and 12) are chock full of amazing developmental changes for your child; cognitive, physical, and emotional. The volume and velocity of these changes can leave us wondering, who took our sweet child and replaced them with a villain from ‘The Descendants’?

It can be an unsettling and confusing time, for both you and your child, but have no fear, there is much hope for the both of you. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: parenting, tween

What You Need To Know To Be A Good Parent To Your Preschooler

December 22, 2016 by Angela Pruess 3 Comments

Inside: Knowing the massive amount of development and growth your preschooler is undergoing will help you not to personalize their behaviors, allowing you to be the calm, steady leader they need. 

The preschool years can be tricky business. Our tiny toddlers are beginning to resemble actual grown people. They’re starting to sound more like them, too. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Child Development Tagged With: ages and stages, developmental stages, preschool

The Real Reason Your Toddler is Acting Like a Maniac

December 16, 2016 by Angela Pruess 2 Comments

Inside: Find out the underlying developmental and brain-based causes of mystifying and maddening toddler behaviors, as well as how to deal with them effectively.

I froze in shock as the slap landed smack on my nose.

It wasn’t the first time I’d been hit in the face by a two-foot-tall tyrant, but it still hurt. I’ve been to the toddler rodeo before. This time though, I resolved to do things differently: I paused and took notice of my internal reaction. Did it hurt? Yes. Did it seriously tick me off? Yes. Did my child intend to hurt me? Certainly not. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Child Development Tagged With: ages and stages, developmental stages, parenting toddlers, toddler, toddler temper tantrums

3 Surefire Signs That You’re Raising a Right-Brained Kid

August 24, 2016 by Angela Pruess 5 Comments

Raising a sensitive spirited child is both exhausting and rewarding, if you identify with these ideas your child is likely right-brain dominant.

It is 7:30 am and my head is spinning.

I’ve already fielded at least 50 questions from my daughter in reference to the breakfast options in the house and why she can’t consume popsicles or ice cream for breakfast (despite the fact we literally just talked about this yesterday). [Read more…]

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: parenting a sensitive child, right-brained child, strong-willed child

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Angela Pruess

I'm Angela, a licensed child therapist and mom of 3. I'm here to help you raise an emotionally healthy, resilient child who'll change the world through emotional intelligence, positive discipline, growth mindset, mindfulness, art/nature, childhood mental health and the therapeutic power of play. Let's help your child live their BEST life.

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