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3 Powerful Ways to Find Peace as a Special Needs Parent

December 1, 2016 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

Inside: Being a special needs parent is stressful without a doubt, focusing on acceptance, self-compassion and gratitude can help parents seek out (and find) peace and joy amidst the daily struggles.

Out of nowhere, standing in the messy kitchen and holding a fresh poop diaper, I sat watching my kids run rampant with excitement playing nicely together (surely some small part of hell must be freezing over right?), and it dawned on me.

We had the honor of leading an amazing, ridiculous, chaotic, exhausting and spectacular family.

Granted, it had been a decent day, mostly free of meltdowns, sibling brawls and endless therapy appointments to get to, but nonetheless, it was one of those moments when things come into perspective.

As I’ve been on my special needs parenting journey for over seven years now, I can happily report that these moments of perspective come more frequently now.

There is not as much daily mental and emotional muck to wade through as there was in the early years of parenting, and there are a few crucial cornerstones I’ve learned along the way, both personally and professionally, that help with finding peace in what can seem like endless hurdles to overcome.

Acceptance

As you have likely already noticed, we humans don’t cope well when things don’t go our way. Especially when the unexpected events occur around our children and family, such significant parts of our lives. A piece of our heart breaks when we realize our child will likely face ongoing challenges throughout their life.

Reconciling our perception of what we thought things would be, with what actually is, is imperative in finding an emotionally healthy existence and being present for your child. In a nutshell, this process is known as grief.

Grief is a tricky business and can be described with many words, however, both ‘consistency’ and ‘predictability’ are not one of them. Many are familiar with the Kubler-Ross stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), which assert that we experience grief in distinct linear phases, and progression to the next stage depends on resolution of the stage prior. If only grief were that reliable.

The reality is, grief is highly personal and can’t be defined, nor can it be contained by time or space. It just is.

The emotions that lie within grief are universally human and present within us, whether we acknowledge them or not, but denial and avoidance of our pain will only serve to cause anxiety and depression. In short, we need to let ourselves feel our feelings.

Being in-tune with what emotions we are experiencing, and being intentional about working through them, is paramount to taking care of yourself as a special needs parent. Put down the bucket of ice cream, your smartphone, or whatever your own personal numbing device is, and sit with your feelings. Talk through them with a supportive loved one. Buy a pretty journal and pen and scribble down a few thoughts during your day.

After seven years, I am still reconciling my reality from my past expectations, just much less frequently now.

<Wondering if you should seek outside help for your child? CEverything You Need to Know About Sending Your Child to Therapy>

Self-Compassion

Most are familiar with the phrase ‘dig deep’. Special needs parents may as well wear a sign on their forehead most days that reads “digging deep” as they tend to place super-human expectations on themselves.

“Could my child benefit from another therapy?” “Should we try another supplement?” “If I just read one more book…” Dr. Kristin Neff is known for coining the term ‘self-compassion’, meaning ‘to extend compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure or general suffering.’ I don’t know about you, but I am pretty good at expecting myself to get it ALL done and do it PERFECTLY, which usually leads to me running around like a crazy chicken with a pit of anxiety in my stomach.

As special needs parents we know we should ‘love our child where they’re at’ , but what if we applied this same mantra to ourselves in our daily lives? What if we didn’t beat ourselves up over a forgotten school snack or a missed doctor’s appointment?

What if, instead, we spoke lovingly to ourselves in our thoughts and musings, inviting room for mistakes and actually allowing ourselves to be human?

If we worked harder to extend the same love and patience we do for others, for ourselves, self- compassion would reap tremendous benefits in all areas of our lives. Not only would we experience better moods and more fulfilling days, but through our modeling, we would give our children a head start in the practice of grace in imperfection.

<Have a child with an invisible disability? The Best Life Lesson to Learn at the Park>

Gratitude

For the first few years after we had our daughter with special needs, I spent a lot of time feeling angry and helpless. “Why does my child have to suffer?” “It’s not fair that bad things happen to good people…” Do you tend to think more about the burdens parenthood has brought you, or the gifts?

Gratitude can be defined as affirming there is goodness in our lives and acknowledging where that goodness comes from. Dr. Robert Emmons has been studying gratitude for a decade, and has found that gratitude has the power to heal, energize and essentially change our lives. Doesn’t that almost sound like magic pill meant for special needs parents?

Consciously focusing on the good around us can help to heal our hearts and minds. It can help to heal past pain encountered by ourselves or our children, enabling us to move forward and not be bogged down by the past. Intentionally shifting into a grateful mindset throughout our day can move us into a place of hope, instead of helplessness, and energize us to be the best person and parent that we can be.

Turning our minds towards the positives we experience with our children will literally (neuroscience shows us it literally changes our brain wiring) lead us to feel happier and more satisfied in our role as a special needs parent. Now how flipping amazing is that? I for one am grateful for gratitude.

Find peace wherever you can.

As I sat in my kitchen that day reflecting, I was rudely interrupted by my toddler hurling a train car at my shin (and by the smell of the dirty diaper). In special needs parenthood (or parenthood in general), moments of perspective finding peace may seem fleeting.

However, luckily for us and our kids, the outlook of zen moments is bright if we are able to accept ourselves and our children as we are, be kind to ourselves day to day and find gratitude in both the small things and the large.

Want more help to become the best parent for your unique child? Click below and join thousands of parents in the PWC community (and get your FREE guide!)

When You Start to Doubt Yourself as a Special Needs Parent

December 1, 2016 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

Parenting a special needs child is a journey we would never have imagined ourselves on, full of heartbreaking lows and miraculous highs that shape us into stronger people.

If I had been granted the power of seeing the future 20 years ago, I’m not sure I would have believed the life I have today was actually my own.

I wouldn’t have believed it was me standing by the hospital bed of a critically ill child. I wouldn’t have believed it was me substituting my beloved fettuccine alfredo with vegetables in attempt to support my child’s gluten intolerance and associated behavioral needs.

Heck, as a special needs parent, there are still moments where I don’t feel as if this could really be my life — those moments you feel like you’re floating above yourself looking down, barely recognizing what you are seeing unfold beneath you.

Is this really my life?

Do I have what it takes is to live this life?

After those moments pass, we come back down to earth, realizing that indeed this is our life. I think it’s time we also realize that all of us special needs parents undoubtedly have what it takes to live it.

I know some days it may not feel like it.

I know there are days you wonder how many fewer tears you would have cried without all the stress and worry. How many fewer minutes you would have spent unable to sleep while consumed with fear for your child’s future.

But after these stormy inquiries pass, there is space to think about things in a different light. You start to remember just how different you are now as a person, and as a parent, because of the challenges life has offered you each day.

You remember you are a fighter now.

You remember you need to keep fighting for your child, and when it comes to supporting them, even if it means less sleep and bags under your eyes, you’ll take the bags any day.

You think of how although it may be exhausting, you will go to 1 million appointments and specialists any given day if it helps you to learn more about how your child thinks and learns.

You remember that no matter how many low points or heartbreaking moments you encounter in a day, you need to keep looking for the light — the moments of light that counter the challenges that can be dark.

These moments of light shine so much brighter when they are contrasted with the dark.

You recall your child’s accomplishments. You remember to grab a hold of their achievements and gains in your mind, letting them rest and proliferate there because you know that focusing on their strength and resiliency will make you a more positive and effective parent.

You reflect on how parenting has stretched you as a human being. Being a special needs parent has stretched you farther than you would ever have imagined you could reach.

Being taught every day by witnessing your child that there are new and fascinating ways to see and interact with the world around you. That just when we think we know it all and have a firm grip or stance, they expand our view to see more — more selflessness, more compassion, more vulnerability, more potential.

More beauty.

You realize your outlook has evolved.

You will always see beyond the exterior now. Things aren’t usually as simple as they seem.

You see the world and others as the intricate, complex and amazing beings they are because that is also how you view your child.

In light of these reflections, you realize that not only do you need to keep fighting for your child (and yourself) but that you can and you want to. You realize that although this fighting journey can exhaust us at times, it really is a good fight, isn’t it?

This fight we’ve had entrusted to us is challenging, inspiring and beautiful, and as long as we continue to have the honor of shaping the amazing human being we’ve created, we know deep down that both ourselves and our child are ever so worthy of the fight.

5 Research-Backed Ways to Save Energy as a Parent of a High Needs Child

August 2, 2016 by Angela Pruess Leave a Comment

The phone calls. The meetings. The doctor’s appointments.

There are additional variables at play with our special needs kids that have the capacity to de- rail us from being the parents we’ve always wanted to be. If there’s a common variable that all special needs parents would agree to experiencing, it would be that they are exhausted.

Exhausted with the day-to-day of typical parenthood. Exhausted by the relentless confrontation of our own fears for the future of our children. Exhausted by the ongoing research and implementation as we continuously seek out techniques and interventions that may help make our child’s life just a little bit easier.

This is precisely why finding areas to save energy as a special needs parent is not only of immense value to us, but also to our family. As a special needs mom and mental health professional, I’d love to share some energy saving tips that may surprise you.

Take care of yourself emotionally.

It’s likely that parenting these days doesn’t look exactly the way you pictured it. That’s OK. Acceptance is the goal, but we need to give ourselves time and space to get there.

I know there’s no time for this most days, but I’m here pleading the importance to make time. The reality is, your child is going to need 110% from you many days. A fraction of your heart, mind, and body likely won’t do. For this reason, special needs parents and families will benefit greatly from investing time to take care of the complicated thoughts and emotions you carry with you each day.

This will look different for every parent, but fostering overall awareness of our emotions and finding a healthy outlet to express them is what will keep your heart and mind open and strong to support your child.

So find your thing — exercise, journaling, meditation, or therapy. Yes, it’s certainly far easier to numb and distract ourselves with busy schedules and technology, but both you and your child are worth the intentional investment of time to take care of your own heart.

Allow others to step in and support your child and family.

This can be a difficult task if you’ve been the primary caregiver for your child with special needs, but accepting support it is no doubt for the greater good. It can be extremely difficult and anxiety provoking to let go of control of our kids (or should I say the perception of control), but if we make it a habit, it can be transformational.

Because of this very intense daily support and caregiving, special needs parents will benefit from stepping back and allowing someone else to step in. Sometimes literal separation is needed to remind us that we are a separate person with our own needs, interests and identity. Time and space to ourselves gives us new perspectives and clarity on our lives and families.

Cultivate gratitude through positivity.

We’re now learning just how much a grateful mindset can contribute to our health and well-being. Drawing your attention to what you are thankful for, and what is going right offers a plethora of benefits including better physical health, psychological health and improved sleep.

With many daily stressors of special needs parenting, it’s easy to find ourselves stuck in negative thinking patterns. Consciously shifting our thinking toward gratitude and empowerment will literally change the pathways in our brains, allowing us to feel better and be the parent we set out to be each day.

Familiarize with self-compassion.

Self-compassion essentially means extending the same grace and compassion to ourselves as we do to others. Pretty foreign concept to us caregivers, right? We have plenty of patience to go around for our child and family, but when it comes to going easy on ourselves, we often times fall short.

“Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals.” –Dr. Kristin Neff

The next time you are in a stressful situation and things don’t go well, extend yourself some of the same compassion and grace you wholeheartedly offer others each day.

Find your special needs tribe.

There is nothing as cathartic and fulfilling as sharing challenges and triumphs with other parents in your shoes who are walking this journey beside you. If feels amazing to know we’re not alone, and to have our thoughts, frustrations, and concerns both heard and validated.

A huge benefit of social media and technology is being able to network with others with similar lifestyles. Find support whether it’s an in-person support group or an online group or page where you can learn and communicate among friends.

Special needs parent: There are countless places you’ll deposit your energy throughout your day, and it’s not likely this will end anytime soon. I know you’re giving it your all and doing the best you can with what you have.

The next time you’re feeling the pangs of that inevitable energy drain, remember it may be time to turn your focus inward and to take some of that caregiving genius and use it on yourself. In giving yourself this gift, I can only imagine what gifts you’ll also be giving your child.

Undoubtedly, the best one of all is that you’ll be giving your kids the very best version of you.