Inside: Learn strong-willed child characteristics, what they really mean for a child’s future and when to support and encourage them.
Have you ever taken the time to really think and reflect on what qualities you’d most like to see in the little human being you’re raising? Of course, I’m not talking about the qualities you’d like to see now, those are fairly easy for most of us to tick off.
Compliant. Check!
Easy going. Check!
Never leaves room after being put to bed. Check!
The wish list I’m referencing to is the one you’ll get to see much later down the road when your child begins to look more like an adult who’s ready to pack their bags and head out into the world (gulp).
For many parents, the qualities of perseverance, determination, and integrity in a child are high on the list for future adulthood but do not feel as desirable when we’re in the grind of day to day life with an intense determined strong-willed child.
Hey kid, if I could just be able to fully control you now…then LATER you can break out the fierce oppositionality (like when you’re being peer pressured to smoke a joint or something) that’d be great, thanks.
If only it worked this way!
The roller-coaster of raising a strong-willed child
We humans don’t exactly love an uninvited challenge, which if we’re being honest is exactly what raising a strong-willed child is. Many parents come into my office exasperated from raising their spirited and intense child, wondering how we can fix their stubborn kid.
Here’s the deal though- they don’t need fixing, I promise.
Although it may be hard to remember when their heels are literally dug the sand because they don’t want to leave the beach, these strong-willed child traits are your kid’s own unique blueprint for future success. It will be a marathon and not a sprint, but with extra patience, teaching and encouragement from those around them, their amazing blueprint is sure to come to life.
The first step is changing our perspectives when it comes to our child’s strong-willed traits.
So what are strong-willed child characteristics?
|Determination
Does your child have tunnel vision when it comes to seeing a plan through? Perhaps they don’t seem to hear you when you prompt them to leave the park, “but I neeeed to finish climbing the rock wall first!”. Many highly determined kids get stuck in their own cognitive trajectory of what they thought would come next and may struggle with the mental flexibility needed to make what’s known as a ‘cognitive shift’.
How it will help in the future
Determination will keep your child striving towards life goals as small as making it to the top of the rock wall and as large as sticking with 8 years of medical school.
|Passion
When your 4-year old decides to build a fort in the living room you are amazed at how he can focus and engage with it, it’s like he’s in his own little world. The strong-willed child is often a creative outside the box thinker, often engaging in new projects and ideas with tons of passion, enthusiasm, and gusto.
How it will help in the future
While right now it may look like lots of giant messes in your house, passion is what serves as your child’s ‘north star’ guiding him toward where and how he wants to share his unique gifts and talents with the world. When a person is passionate in their endeavors (ie motherhood, a career, hobbies ect) they will be more engaged, committed and fulfilled.
|Conviction
One parent’s disrespect is another child’s sense of conviction. You promised your little guy two bedtime stories (before you knew bathtime would become a full-on water circus) and when you tell him there’s not enough time he reacts with an uproar, “well you’re a liar then!”
Your child innately has a strong sense of fairness and ethics. When it comes to what he believes is right, he will stand strong and as a result, may struggle to take situational context into consideration and be flexible.
How it will help in the future
It’s not always easy to stay calm and remember the root of an emotional outburst, but don’t be surprised to see your child standing up to another child bullying others at recess, or working in a social justice profession later on down the road.
|Leadership
On the playground, your child often jumps in to orchestrate a game of freeze tag. Taking charge comes easily for them with siblings and friends. It can be a challenge for them to accept leadership from others because following is not their strong suit.
How it will help in the future
While they’ll need extra support with friends and siblings to remember important social skills such as communication and cooperation, a clear idea of the ‘big picture’ comes naturally to them and they very well may turn out to be an entrepreneur or leader in their own community ( school, church, peer group etc).
| Perseverance
Your daughter wants a pet and until that day comes, she will incessantly bring up the topic of cats…or guinea pigs…or anything that exists at the nearest Petsmart. This incessant pestering stems from an inner striving that comes as naturally as air to your strong-willed child.
How it will help in the future
When you hear yourself saying, “If you ask me about a stinking pet one more time today the answer is NO!” remind yourself this inner strength and unwavering fortitude is what will allow your daughter to overcome major obstacles in her future such as passing the SAT’s, learning a new hobby/skill or running a half-marathon.
|Collaboration
The phrase “You can’t make me!” likely makes a regular appearance in your household. Your little guy’s fierce sense of personal integrity makes him bristle when caregivers use blatant force or control as a means of interacting on a consistent basis.
How it will help in the future
Barking orders and using controlling language comes much easier to parents in times of stress (ahem getting out the door in the am), but learning how to speak with a tone of collaboration and positivity during discipline with a strong-willed child will model some killer communication skills for your child to use with peers at school and their future spouse later.
|Enthusiam/energy
You often notice your child moves and talks more than your friends’ kids’ and you worry they’ll annoy old school relatives who likely still seem to think children should be seen and not heard.
How it will help in the future
It can be draining to keep your bright active child busy on a slow Sunday, but that contagious energy and enthusiasm will be a force of positivity and fun when channeled into public speaking, or a high energy career such as teaching.
Strong-willed child characteristics are a benefit if we let them be
When we set aside the ‘parent lens’ from which we view our child, it becomes much easier to see our child as they truly are. A brand new little human learning how to interact with the world given the temperament and personality biology gave them.
Children don’t come into the world to exist as objects for our own control and desires but come as unique individuals bearing all the traits they need to survive and thrive in the world.
Without a doubt, parenting a strong-willed child is more challenging. Our fiery and unique kids force us to learn new ways of communication and leadership, calling into question what we truly value when it comes to raising our child.
For those parents out there raising strong-willed kids, you are not alone. Let’s stick together and remind the world of our child’s positive traits as much as we commiserate about the challenges.
Reminding each other that we are the best parent for our spirited child and that looking at our child through a lens both positive and future-forward allows us to survive this bumpy ride and know we’re giving our child an invaluable gift. The gift of embracing their best qualities, allowing them to live authentic, fulfilled and successful lives.
P.S. You’re not alone. Grab your FREE Guide on Surviving a Strong-willed child
You’ll also be signed up for the epic Parents with Confidence newsletter guiding you in raising a resilient and emotionally healthy child.
I’m so in love with this post ❤️
I’m so glad you liked it! Thanks so much for reading:):)